January 17, 2010

  • Five Ways The Jersey Shore is Just Like Final Fantasy.
    Yeah, I went there.

    It's an indisputable fact that the two most important entertainment properties in the world are Final Fantasy and The Jersey Shore. The former is a long-running Japanese role-playing game series published by Square-Enix. The latter is an upstart reality show about a group of lovable ragamuffins who live in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. After just a few episodes, those crazy Jersey Shore kids have become America's sweethearts.

    On the surface, it seems like the two have nothing in common. The people of the Final Fantasy universe are mainly concerned with fighting evil and saving the world, while the people of The Jersey Shore spend most of their time trying to avoid puking on each other. But after extensive research on the part of the IGN Center For Games And Television and Culture and Studies, we've found that the two beloved series are near mirror images of one another.

    Remember when that annoying kid who sat next to you in history class would never shut up about the connections between Abraham Lincoln and Marilyn Monroe? Well, this is far more important than that. Who were those people, anyway? They certainly didn't have shows on MTV, and they don't show up in any videogames. I think you'll find the resemblance between the Final Fantasy universe and The Jersey Shore cast nothing short of uncanny.

    Below you'll find five examples, along with images of both properties in action. We've let ladies and gentlemen of The Jersey Shore speak in their own words, in quotes they've uttered on the show. Enjoy.


    Random Battles
    You never know when a fight will break out. After gathering a party of heroes and wandering out into the night, tension is naturally high. Grandiose plans are made. Love is gained and lost. But there are those that would oppose these heroes and they could strike at any time, emerging from the darkness swiftly and picking a battle for no other reason than the fact that they exist and so do our champions.

    After a battle, potions and herbs are sometimes needed to heal wounds. Other times, too many potions and herbs cause these battles.

    "JWOWW f***in' beat a ***** up tonight. I tried to get in it but I couldn't." ?-Snooki

    Grinding
    We're not talking about the kind of grinding that happens when the house music starts pumping, but if you want to run with that analogy somehow please go ahead. We're talking about all of the mini-games and repetitive motions that must be accomplished if you want to succeed when the pressure is on. Some might take the gym-tan-laundry (GTL) route. Others might perform tasks for the local shopkeeper. As long as you feel fresh at the end, you can be fresh.

    "You better be hittin' the gym & if you're not hittin' the gym for like an hour or so, you know, you may have a problem. Ok, cause I'm at the gym for like an hour-and-a-half.. ya know?.. workin' on my fitness." - The Situation

    Half Naked Stars
    These guys and dolls aren't afraid to show a little skin. They don't just take their shirts off. OK, sometimes they do. The point is that true fashion is all about being selectively revealing. For the ladies, might we suggest stockings instead of pants? For the guys, the important thing is to show off your chest and arms while still wearing as many shiny things as possible. Buckles or gaudy jewelry are primo accessories.

    "You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody that looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off." - The Situation

    Spiky Hair
    The hair makes the man. Some may say that such preening points towards strange underlying psychological issues, but we all know that if your hair isn't blown out there is simply no way to get noticed by the right people. We've made up off the record rumors that the good folks at Paul Mitchell Hair Products stayed in business through the Great Recession thanks to these guys.

    Remember: The closer your hair gets to an Escher drawing, the closer you are to perfection.

    "My hair didn't even move an inch and I was in & out of the water. My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccerproof, motocycleproof. I'm not sure if my hair's bulletproof, I'm not willin' to try that." - Pauly D

    Crazy Names
    Shakespeare wrote that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. He obviously never met these people. What's in a name? Everything. The Situation. Vincent Valentine. Beatrix. Jwoww. These are the names that hits are made out of. A guy named Cloud? That's preposterous. Tell me more. What in the heck is a Snooki? I'll have to watch to find out.

    "The Ron-Ron Juice is the **** that gets the night going, I mean whenever that **** comes out it's always a filthy night." - Ronnie

    Bonus! Chocobos
    Kweh!

    Original here.

Comments (705)

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment