June 23, 2010
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Thoughts on the US World Cup.
A play by play.
BYAWWWW!1st minute: I'm in the office now. Outlook says I've a meeting? What's a meeting? Screw that.
17th minute: The goal post is Algeria's best friend right now.
26th minute: Why is the Annoying Jewish Coworker (AJC) foraging through the fridge? Is it that difficult to find a lunch with your name on it?
31st minute: I toot my vuvuzela every time the FIFA officials screw the US team. My mouth is dry.
Halftime I wonder if anybody noticed me missing at my desk. Nah, my blow-up doll should suffice.
49th minute: How much do opposing teams pay the officials to screw/rob the US out of goals?
57th minute: All this acting and flopping must've come from the Vlade Divac school of performing arts.
63rd minute: If North Korea played the way the US is shooting the ball, Kim Jong-Il would've sent them to a detention camp by now.
69th minute: Giggity!
77th minute: There's a bunch of coworkers crowding around me. The room feels pretty intense and full of buzz. Or maybe it's just me being gassy.
83rd minute: Those gloves the goalkeepers wear make them look ridiculous. Reminds me of Mickey Mouse.
89th minute: Can anyone on the US team hit a ball into the goal four feet away from them?
91st minute: Oh god...we're doomed!
92nd minute: Wow. Just wow. I think I'll name my firstborn "Landon."
93rd minute: I stood in the break room among 20 or so coworkers, and when the Americans scored, you could hear the roar across the office. I’ve never heard anything quite like that here, to be honest. I’m sure that’s what it was like everywhere across the US and wherever Americans were watching this game.
94th minute: I assume all Donovan jerseys are sold out right now.
Conclusion: Superman wears Landon Donovan pajamas
UPDATE:
Dear Canada, It wasn't an earthquake. It was Americans jumping up & down after Landon Donovan scored at World Cup.
What were your thoughts on the game? How far can the U.S. go?
Not recommending this means you're a communist. Why do you hate America? AMERICA! F* YEAH!
EDIT 3:32PM
I recently received a message from an obvious Stalin descendent: "All of a sudden all these Americans are major diehard soccer fans? O-kayyy. Please, people-contain yourselves!"
To that I respond: Listen, Hitler. Stop raining on people's parades. You do not need to be a diehard soccer fan to enjoy the celebrations. This shouldn't be an argument of bandwagoning. It's about Americans banding together to enjoy this moment. An excuse to get drunk and grab a few boobs. The bandwagon is moving fast for American soccer now, and why not? What’s not to love about a team that never quits, that shakes off adversity, that forces break rooms and chat sessions to overflow across the States. So leave us, while you sit in your parent's basement, trolling forums about why PS3 is far superior than Xbox 360 and Wii.
Comments (1374)
shortest play by play
I thought they were screwed for sure.
Fucking offsides!
Friggin amazing!!!
@maniacsicko -
Oops. Check again. Refreshed.
@vanedave -
Everyone hates America.
AMERICA! F* YEAH!
@CaKaLusa - they said after the last game that if the ref had made that call against another country his ass would have gotten stomped out. Maybe we need to make an example outta somebody?
SOCCER HOULIGANISM FTW!
@vanedave -
I got the bats, tar, feathers, and airhorns. Let's do this!
I have to say I find the AJC thing offencive
@Kristenmomof3 -
Oy vey! You must be new to my site. Nice flag.
@CaKaLusa -
Yes, I am newish to your site. I love where you said Dear Canada, It wasn't an earthquake. It was Americans jumping up & down after Landon Donovan scored at World Cup.
don't take my pulse, teef.
Luv the post!
@Kristenmomof3 -
There is a backstory regarding the naming of the coworker. Apologies for any offense--it's not meant in a derogatory fashion.
And thank you for the kind words.
@ScrapPaper -
Sheer coincidence, my dear france.
wish I coulda seen it... stupid job... Why couldn't I be unemployed and be able to watch the match like so many other lucky folks?
Tommy Smith was talking about how if Donovan didn't get that goal in stoppage time, America would've seen nothing but rage. Offsides? Fucking OFFSIDES?
@vanedave - We could always make like Columbia and have him disappear.
@vanedave -
I legit screamed at the TV for a good minute with a bunch of curses after that offsides. Another minute of that after the slowed down replay showing it was clearly not offsides.
Then when we scored, OMG I WAS CRAZY!
@another_rebel_without_a_cause - @Rhia_Pyrithea - Lets round up a posse!
@vanedave -
@Rhia_Pyrithea -
@another_rebel_without_a_cause -
A party posse. I'll get the Goose.
LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE *
lol i like the conclusion
Now for the play by play of the Korea and Nigeria game.
Oh nevermind, Nigeria FAILED.
So what if I'm a communist?
Conclusion: Superman wears Landon Donovan pajamas
Exactly!
Forget Vlade Divac. This came from the Reggie Miller School of Diving.
As for the bandwagoning: it happens every time the US takes center stage. Then all of a sudden the "fans" come out. Please, let's not pretend - cheer because it was a good match, not just because everyone else is doing it.
yay for Mickey Mouse gloves!
Rec'.d
Thanks for the comment on my post btw. 
I don't like to see the same whore twice. I feel like if I only watch it once, it can be considered accidental... thus preserving some sense of personal integrity.
And the PS3 can suck my cock, 360 all the way! Even though Microsoft sucks dick and if I get one more ring of death I'ma fucking cut some bitches....But still, fuck you ps3! You don't have Fable, or Halo, or Gears of War....wtf is wrong with you! And you are excited about, what, another Twisted Metal game? Yeah, what the fuck ever. I'll be busy playing Fable 3 and Halo ODST, thanks biatch.
And I have no love for the Wii, Nintendo has officially let down all hardcore Nintendo fans and for what? Fucking soccer moms and 8 year olds to have some fucking family games??? What kind of bullshit is THAT? Although I heard the new Zelda is going to be fucking awesome, so as long as they don't fuck it up, they might win me back...ahhhhh. ///end rant
Pffft, America - Go ENGLAND!
hitler. nice.
PS: Landon Donovan is my future husband. True story.
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