August 8, 2011
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The Curse of Pennsylvania.
Their people are contractually obligated to make me hate their state.Preface - The journeys and adventures provided by the great state of Pennsylvania would not have been made possible without me being in the accompaniment of those involved during my previous car incident with the police. When there is a car issue, assume that I am most likely with them. And a special thank you to NAVY SEAL "Team M.J". for rescuing me and allowing me to make this post possible. I was mentally prepared to adjust into a strict, wholesome life without technology amongst the fine Amish folk.
The view for the next gazillion miles into Pennsylvania.ACT 1 - The beginning of the End
I love Pennsylvania just as much as I enjoy contracting gonorrhea. It's been almost eight years since I've last paid my favorite state a visit. In fact, I can remember that day vividly, with my friend's rented U-Haul truck getting stuck in the middle of a blizzard, while traversing through roads without GPS and power steering that blew out.
And as most masochists favor, I went back in for more. This time, Pennsylvania finally had me for a TKO.
The journey begins with my tastebuds seeking something different. Kangaroo? Wild board? Alligator, perhaps? Yes, please. But where does one find it? In Pennsyl-freakin-vania. I swore to myself I would never go back after so many bad incidents and verbal outbursts toward the heavens while in the state. But I am older, more wise, more knowledgable. Surely I would get the upperhand this time. Right?
Nachoes, wild boar sliders, alligator gumbo.Fast-forward five hours later.
"WHY HASN'T OUR TOW TRUCK COME FOR US YET?!"
Indeed, Pennsylvania would not let us go without a fight. It's like Kim Kardashian being unable to go home without a black man from a NAACP awards show. And both would leave us sore and feeling butthurt the next day.
Not only did the great state of Pennsylvania send some sort of voodoo at my friend's car engine to literally stop in the middle of driving (is going form 5,5000 RPM to 0 in an instant normal?) just ten minutes away from our destination?
Is it normal for our car to break down in a town where every mechanic in a 50 mile radius is closed for the weekend?Is it normal that a town has no taxis, trains, or buses available at all?Is it alarming that I had not seen a single police officer the whole weekend?
Is it normal having a mosquito bite your knuckles (WHAT KIND OF MOSQUITO DOES THAT?) leaving a funny looking scar? I'm pretty sure I have a severe case of West Nile.
Is it normal to mentally prepare yourself to live a long life of being one with the Amish because I feared I'd be stuck here?
Why, the Keystone state of America would never allow such things! It loves me and I love it too!
Lesson learned: never buy a Kia.ACT 2 - Funky hotel
To make matters worse, the closest hotel we were able to locate sounded great on paper, but that was as bright as our trip would get. Since every mechanic in town was busy getting drunk instead of working Saturday or Sunday, we were forced to either sleep in the streets or spend the next 48 hours in a hotel. After my stay at this sleazy hotel, the streets will take precedence if I ever find myself blindfolded, kidnapped, and tossed into the state of Pennsylvania.
The room.
Looks can be deceiving.Our first of three rooms (yes, three room changes) had a funky smell. It smelled like your grandmother who's been smoking a pack of cigarettes since WWI with a hint of hardcore funk. "Maybe it'll air out or my nose will get used to it," I thought. Neither happened. This lovely room also had a TV that was stuck in a shade of Barney purple. When we asked the hotel management to fix it--and by fix, I mean slap it a few times--they simply moved us to another room. Our second room they changed us to, had the same smell, but with a hint of blue cheese. I suppose this was their "continental breakfast" they prided themselves on at the front desk. This particular room had more character. And by character, I mean it was far more dim with fewer working lights (for a more romantic feel?), the ceiling paneling was clearly falling apart, the telephone wasn't working, the tap water had a pungent taste that made me feel like brushing my teeth after rinsing my mouth with it, and a lovely cockroach the size of my thumb to accompany us and read a bedtime story to forget our troubles.
The following morning, we requested a room change, which came after their complimentary breakfast of stale bagels and milk that had the expiration dates rubbed off, one look and they couldn't even pay me to touch any of that. The third room, which was their "prime room" had me picturing a marvelous view, comfy leather couches, carpet without cigarette burns, clean bathrooms, unstained bath towels, and no smell. I'm sorry, did I say I wanted the aforementioned? I mean, please, do provide the opposite of that list! I'm asking for too much here, particularly for an establishment that claims to have a "physical fitness room" that features a single treadmill. Given the amount of customers I saw that weekend here, I'd be surprised to ever see two people at the same time within the premise.
ACT 3 - These thumbs were made for hitchhiking
24 hours later and after suffering from a bout of cabin fever; the pillow and I got into an argument about the coffee maker constantly leaving a mess for others, I forced myself to go outside in the wonderful 95F heat and humidity. If you aren't familiar, the main export of Pennsylvania is boredom. I made use of my phone and did a search for the closest signs of civilization. It could be anything. A bar, supermarket, even an Arby's. Yes, I was that desperate, don't judge me! I swirled my phone in the air like I was doing a tribal dance to get some sort of signal, and was able to get a few results. "Generic Mexican" 10 miles away.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I yelled under my breath. A vein permanently popped out from my neck during this process. I was ready to kick that baby possum crossing the road.
What I did next would forever go down as the stupidest things I've done, or the most brilliant idea ever, depending on how you look at it. Yours truly, hitchhiked his way up the highway. Now, this isn't a scene where I slowly walk up a road exercising my thumbs. I stood at a corner while looking at my phone trying navigating my way to the Mexican restaurant. A gentleman that looked like a hipster Jesus (he read the bible before it was mainstream), asked me if I was lost. I bored him with my stories and he saw how pathetic my situation was.
What he did next was due to either feeling pity, or had a real rapist wit, but eventually offered me and my friend a ride to our destination. Hell, if I was going to be ball-gagged and chained, at least I'd be with someone else. Plus, I would be able to check off "hitchhiking" from my nonexistent bucket list. If you're worrying about my safety, I only lost both my hands and my right ear. I'm currently typing this with my nose. Don't ask how I ate my burrito when I finally got to the restaurant.
Huevos Rancheros from the Mexican place we found in the middle of Pennsylvania. It's as out of place as a White guy dancing really well in Harlem.ACT 4 - A rescue mission from the NAVY SEALS
The only "real meal" while staying in the hotel. It tasted like the cardboard it was delivered in.
A bit of morale booster.As another 24 hours pass, I finally get some good news. Since I was providing regular status updates on my Facebook wall, clearly to make others jealous of my wonderful time in Pennsylvania, my friend took note of it and asked if I needed help. Most times, I'd suck it up and tough it out. But it was a Sunday, and with work the next day coupled with meetings, my options were limited. My personal NAVY Seals team zoomed off from NY at sunset--a 3 hour drive each way--to whisk me back home in their caravan. Forever indebted to them and jokingly offering the payment of bending over at their requests, we made it back at 3am.
They say Pennsylvania is for lovers. Whoever said this either loves eating electrified barbed wire on a hot summer day, or enjoys anal sex. Pennsylvania, you're officially the worst state in the US. In fact, you can be America's other armpit.
Comments (335)
I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE!
omg i was in philly this weekend. philly treated me a lot better than pennsylvania did you though.
I live in Pennsylvania
wb from hell!
I was going to say, that's what you get for driving a Kia.
Lmao!
Maybe one day I'll escape. )':
Bethlehem is better. Come here.
@victreebel - I've got a plan ;D
...I stopped reading after your breakfast @ the hotel...
Seriously, you have the worst luck.
Horrible. We're never having a Xanga meet there.
Real Navy Seals? Or are you exaggerating?
is "rapist wit" the same as "rapier wit" but with 33% more rape?
So, based on your Houston post, does this mean PA is your all-time favorite place, EVAR????!!!!!!1!!???
I'd still go to Penn... Just so I can say I received better treatment.
alligatorrr??!!
ooooh interesting
glad you got back safe!
I'm fiending for asian pussy right now. Something about asians makes my dick salivate.
Lol. Sorry to hear about your weekend man. Glad you were rescued.
LOL When I go, we always end up getting lost.
LMAO! How did alligator taste?
haha this made my night. im sorry for finding so much joy out of ur poor experience..
Where on EARTH in PA were you trying to get to that served you alligator?! My job has me driving all over the entire state, I work for Pennsylvania's 911 centers testing their cell towers... And I've never been anywhere in PA that served me alligator meat... I live in the center of PA, too... If you were close to me, I could have cooked for you. And picked you up somewhere. My car functions without trouble, and my cooking skills are definitely above average.
@gilly_owens - In Kennett Square. Man, if you could've rescued me, I'd of owed you big time!!! I'll hold onto your number from now on.
that was a long post!
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You should have gone a little further down south like to Virginia :p
Don't hate on Pennsylvania! haha
@XoAsianBabioX - HATE IT!
@Kristenmomof3 - I guess I'll let you pass..
@cbr600 - barely alive.
@whotakethmycoke - would never buy one!
@lovejennyy - YOU'RE NEXT!
@victreebel - One day, one day...
@RazielV - SO FAH!
@babixling - But that's the tastiest part!
@aimvpr - seriously.
@fLiPgUy31O - Maybe it'll make it even MORE fun! MO FUN! MO FUN!
@mycontinuity - I cannot reveal.
@mizzaimilei - naw, only 24%.
@thesoftlights@blackhk - oh, THE bestest!
@sonychak - best of luck!
@swtaznxtc90 - Arigato!
@RulerofMasons - the Internet is your best friend right now then.
@yakko1 - I was fortunate I was.
@jennfaceee - ALL YO FAULT!
@signln - like...mud.
@Timmmmmmy - damn it, timmy! THAT'S NOT BRO'S BEFORE...GETTING LOST-O'S!
@adrenalinexxx - and an even longer day...
@fLiPgUy31O - But then I'll never meet you guys!
@HeLLo_Bianca - hahah...WHAT'S THERE?
@i__LIVESTRONG - Most parts. ;p
You're gonna have to wait til I do Alex's challenge! You shall seeeeee!
@HeLLo_Bianca - OTAYYYY!
Ohhhh i see your plate. Now I know why
@starcrossedloversdivine - which plate?
@CaKaLusa - The NY plate on the car. I'm in phila.. haha we have a long standing sports rivalry between our states. But really, philadelphia and pittsburgh are probably the only two areas of PA worth visiting. I lived in Gettysburg, and it succcccksssss.
@starcrossedloversdivine - ahhh...I thought you meant my food plates. I was wondering, "what is she talking about!?!"
Yeah, especially our baseball and football teams. WE ARE ENEMIES NOW!
You have a knack for telling these type of stories. Sucks that it happened, but hey a memory to hold on to! If I was in MD this weekend I think I would have driven up to meet/save you.
@Roadlesstaken - lol, roadlesstaken, taken action!
I live in PA. But I'm originally from Long Island. Hey, someone had to take one for the team to class up this joint.
@impossibleangles - I currently live in LI. Where did you live?
Northport on the north shore, just over the Nassau/Suffolk line.
@impossibleangles - Ah, not too far. I'm in Nassau.
And yeah, the mosquitoes are wicked here. If you look closely you can catch them wearing wee lab coats and hear their maniacal laughs (that ain't no buzzing).
Excellent. I knew that you were cool in an exceptional way.
I'd say the universe is on a mission to keep you from settling down in Pennsyllvania. I hope you're back in civilization now?
@impossibleangles - totally! it left a mark on my knuckle. ruthless buggers!
hahah, thanks!
@Ampbreia - haha, it certainly is! I am now, thankfully!
I went to college in western PA. Boring as all hell, especially when I worked at my campus for two summers and NO ONE ELSE was around. Thank goodness I wasn't that far from home (NE Ohio) so I went home nearly every weekend I was free. Sorry to hear you had a shitty time in PA.
I live in PA.
I also loathe it.
although I like Philly thats where I'm from
@Cestovatelka - Philly isn't too bad. I met a group of youngin's at this bar that were heading there to watch Taylor Swift.
@Cestovatelka - PA has a piece of me now, and I'll never get it back!
OK, ok, ok.....step back a bit bud...I LIVE IN PA! NOT all of PA is that bad....you make it seem like some backwoods, redneck, redlight swinging in the breeze at a constant "blink", type of place...where a tumble weed could cross the road. Where the hell were you in PA?????? Some people rationalize to close their business on sundays to worship or something. BUT, where i live AAA is a phone call away, there are small garages opened on a saturday, and oh my gosh...wait for it, PEP BOYS AUTO STORE is open 7 days a week!!!!!!!!!!! We even have a walmart somewhat close ( no need to insert a joke here, just trying to make a point)...has an auto garage OPEN with the store 24 hrs!! So, i'm sure to you who hails from NY would of course pick on PA when it seems as though all of PA picks on NY right??? or so i've heard??? LOL. OH, and where you got the alligator and sliders...kudos for you to try something new. Thats not a normal food type here.
@FrAzZMatTAZ - Of course I'm not penning all of PA as what I experienced. I was welcomed with un-opened arms to a town called "Kennett Square." I actually go to Blue Mountain, in PA every other winter season or so to ski and enjoy my time there.
As for the car, unfortunately, after exhausting every number in the phonebook for a mechanic or autoshop, we were told nobody in town would be open the weekend. Trust me, if I had the option of getting a car fixed or staying an extra night, it would be a no brainer.
The place is called Half Moon. Interesting place. Outdoor bar too.
@CaKaLusa - I have to say...sorry for your inconvienence! I was roaring and laughing so hard i had tears..while reading your post! I live in southern end of pa....used to live in Penn State area when young, harrisburg,york,lancaster, etc...visited Wellsboro a few times..and wow, that was a ghost town, so i kinda knew what you were talking about, the shops there closed at 6pm..everynite, on main street. LOL. Anyway, was just giving you grief....enjoy your nite, and maybe next time..you won't have to deal with anything like that again...LOL. You never said, did you like the alligator or sliders? The mexican food, even i wouldn't of trusted!
@FrAzZMatTAZ - The alligator was interseting, had a slight "muddy" taste to it. I don't think I'd try it again. The sliders were decent. Like a pulled pork sandwich, but less fatty. And the Mexican, despite previous hesitations, was surprisingly decent.
@CaKaLusa - eww, yuck. went to "prudomme's cajun kitchen" when it was around, and got a platter sampler. It had alligator on it but it was in strips,battered and fried so i have no idea on taste. BUT the crawfish they had on my plate i just about died! I mean, i used crawfish to "fish" with my dad, not to eat! Waitress told me to rip head off and "suck" juice from head/brain cavity. I just about died....the sliders you had in pic looked yummy. Anyway....gnite to you. Have a good night/day/ whatever.
@FrAzZMatTAZ - Crawfish! Oh yum!
Have a good night!
I saw you should always have triple A
and stay in big cities like philly
I'm sure if i was with you, hitch hiking might have been easier =p
The fun never stops, eh?
Haha I used to live in Pennsylvania & I still love it ;p
wow.. that sounds more interesting than the trip from your last post but the telephone wasn't working is really a bad experience..
that straight up sounds like a shawn moment....but to the extreme...
You were in the wronggg part of PA. You've gotta come to Philly. Haven't you heard? PA is Philly on one side, Pittsburgh on the other, and Arkansas in the middle. The middle is boring and there is very little there, as I'm sure you've realized. Philly is the place to be! You couldn't pay me to call anywhere else "home."
Still angry about Nnamdi?
Your choice of beer at a time like this makes me question the veracity of everything else. Really, you couldn't even find a crappy old Yuengling???
maybe penn just hates you...lol
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Wrong part of PA, dude. There is no Pennsylvania. There is Philadelphia, and then there is "left". Stay away from Leftern Pennsylvania.
I'm from the Pittsburgh area, and I can verify every claim this man has made.
"you've got a purty mouth, Chinaman"
I want to go eat there! Anyway, except for Philly and some of the surrounding areas (and maybe Pittsburgh from what I've heard), most of PA probably fits your post. It's what I imagine non-urban life to be. Actually, I bet that's what mid-western US is probably like...
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Oh you're coming back, except you're coming to me and we'll be really close Maryland
'cause if I come back to NY, I'll never leave, haha.
dont hate my state, son!
altho, ive never had quite the experience you had in PA...I never had alligator...
you know what was funny? I went to visit my parents in Pa last month and I got lost on a main street. The city is only like a 2 mile radius?!! I grew up in this city for over a decade...after 1 year in NYC, I can't find my way around in Pa >.<
hey, you gonna talk to that chick that wants to email you pics? LOL
note to self, don't buy Kia
@Lynn1013 - never with me!
@xOhUgSaNdKisSeSx05 - poor thing!
@JessicaMilk - it was turrible!
@junbelievable08 - I'd say they're about equal. haha
@skinnydragon12 - I drove by Philly, too!
@spotlfe - SO UPSET! hahah
@speedogoth99 - when one is desperate...
@Toy_Kite - The feelings are mutual!
@inthenameofwater - If I ever return, I'll take note!
@makeshiftperfection - alas, someone agrees!
@MaximusMan - WHERE'S MY KIDNEY!?
@DrAgoNTorrent_265 - I love the Amish..
@ArmyWife4Life2007 - uh oh! trouble!
@JEuCE - I BE HATIN', HATIN'!
Naw, won't be. You can email her though!
@Konrado - Definitely don't. I wouldn't.
@CaKaLusa - Is it really trouble if we like it?
@ArmyWife4Life2007 - hahah...guess not!
@CaKaLusa - Driving by =/= experiencing Philadelphia. Its worth at least a good day's worth of adventuring. South Street, Reading Terminal Market, all of the historical sites, Love Park, the art museum (made famous in part by Rocky), Penn's Landing, etc. etc. etc. There is also much better food than alligator whatever. I don't even know how you found something with alligator on the menu, they aren't even remotely native to the state >_<
@skinnydragon12 - it was odd...found it at Half Moon restaurant in Kennett Square.
@CaKaLusa - That's weird. Its not like its a super back-woods area... **shakes head** I'll admit most of PA is bizarre, and you seem to find the most bizarre places possible.
I'm so sorry. This sounds like such a disastrous trip! As least you got to hitchhike ... and have awesome friends.
Aw, I'm really sorry you had such a poor experience. *hug* I'd like to say that we really aren't that bad. Or perhaps, better to say, that some of the people here aren't that bad.
The Mexican food looks like something straight out of El Rodeo. You go there by chance? (There's actually a pretty good Mexican place in Lancaster, by the way.)
@mizz_chan - thankfully!
@Evil_One1 - haah...PA people aren't bad. It's just the state. ;p
Bud Lime, Chris? Really?!
Ew.
- - yeah it's so encouraging to speak with other pnraets that are going through the same struggles and striving to be better pnraets so thanks for your comment bro. does your worship service promote family worship too? right now, our setup is kind of tough b/c our nursing room is really only available right when our EM worship starts since KM moms use that room before that. so staci goes in there with isaiah to feed at the start of our worship. i was with emilee and noah in the main sanctuary myself but it became too tough so i told staci to take emilee with her to the nursing room where she can view the worship service as well. but i've been telling staci to come back into the sanctuary as soon as she's done so that we can worship together as a family. i'm a small group leader too so it's very challenging for me to pay attention to my kids, listen to the sermon, etc. and when one of our kids have to go to the bathroom, then i'm missing a good chunk of the sermon too so that's tough. we usually sit in the back since our kids can be a distraction to others but you know how it is when you sit all the way in the back it's very hard for kids to stay focused on the speaker, praise, etc. however, i'm praying that they will learn to worship as they see other church members and us worship together. and i have seen noah sing praises, recite the Lord's prayer, etc. as for them staying quiet not sure if that's possible until they mature more. until then church members will need to endure through the joy of children singing in their own languages.
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Heck yeah bay-bee keep them coming!
That's a slick answer to a challenging question
Just cause it's simple doesn't mean it's not super helpful.
There's a secret about your post. ICTYBTIHTKY
We need more insights like this in this thread.
Thanks guys, I just about lost it looking for this.
Well done article that. I'll make sure to use it wisely.
This does look promising. I'll keep coming back for more.
What a pleasure to find someone who thinks through the issues
Shoot, who would have thought that it was that easy?
The genius store called, they're running out of you.
Holy concise data batman. Lol!
I can already tell that's gonna be super helpful.
A piece of erudition unlike any other!
In the complicated world we live in, it's good to find simple solutions.
Whoa, whoa, get out the way with that good information.
All of these articles have saved me a lot of headaches.
We could've done with that insight early on.
All of these articles have saved me a lot of headaches.
Love the photo! I'm working with one of my ciiqrtue partners on a book about a lonely gator at a zoo. When I first started writing I didn't tell anyone other than my spouse either. Then one day I was at a friends house and her dining room looked a lot like my writing space in the basement. I bashfully asked her what she was working on and we've been cps since then. We write in different genres, but we work together so well. I was so glad I spoke up. It gave us both the courage to tell the world that we were writers. We continue to go to conferences together 5 years after our confessions.
That's a quick-witted answer to a difficult question
All of my questions settled-thanks!
At last! Someone with the insight to solve the problem!
This is the perfect post for me to find at this time
Good points all around. Truly appreciated.
Very valid, pithy, succinct, and on point. WD.
This "free sharing" of information seems too good to be true. Like communism.
That addresses several of my concerns actually.
Didn't know the forum rules allowed such brilliant posts.
You put the lime in the coconut and drink the article up.
That's an ingenious way of thinking about it.
There is a critical shortage of informative articles like this.
HHIS I should have thought of that!
I thank you humbly for sharing your wisdom JJWY
It's much easier to understand when you put it that way!
Haha. I woke up down today. You've cheered me up!
Information is power and now I'm a !@#$ing dictator.
That's an expert answer to an interesting question
Whoa, things just got a whole lot easier.
Cheers pal. I do appreciate the writing.
Whoever wrote this, you know how to make a good article.
This was so helpful and easy! Do you have any articles on rehab?
Haha. I woke up down today. You've cheered me up!
I was looking everywhere and this popped up like nothing!
I can't hear anything over the sound of how awesome this article is.
Yeah that's what I'm talking about baby--nice work!
Stay informative, San Diego, yeah boy!
It's a pleasure to find such rationality in an answer. Welcome to the debate.
Do you have more great articles like this one?
This article keeps it real, no doubt.
You're on top of the game. Thanks for sharing.
Knowledge wants to be free, just like these articles!
Ab fab my goodly man.
Keep on writing and chugging away!
What a joy to find someone else who thinks this way.
When you think about it, that's got to be the right answer.
I appreciate you taking to time to contribute That's very helpful.
Any idea when a desperate and despicable dwarf will hit the shelves? By far one of my favorite series and I can’t help but to thinks of the “hand wringing faction of the liberal party” or the antics of the conservatives when watching the news on current events. I am sure you had no idea how these times would mirror your book.
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Hey hey hey, take a gander at what' you've done
Never would have thunk I would find this so indispensable.
That kind of thinking shows you're on top of your game
Keep it coming, writers, this is good stuff.
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I'm not easily impressed. . . but that's impressing me!
Good point. I hadn't thought about it quite that way.
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