Norcal 2011: Part 6
Ramen and more hanging in the city.

A magnificent trip is like a well-written book: a captivating start, unexpected twists and turns throughout, and a satisfying conclusion. On the final leg of my trip in Norcal, I once again, met up with Sonlay and Michelle. Nina, who is a good friend and even better musician tagged along. Nearly being rear-ended by a taxi was only part of the adventure.

Starting the day with cafe.

@sonychak Sharing photos of my penis. CURSE THEM!

Ramen. Yummy!

CAN SHE FIT IT?

A somewhat clear day in San Fran. Is this the sign of the apocalypse?

Fog? Smog? Dog?

I told the SWAT team to leap through here. I want my money back.

When we lost Waldo and Carmen San Diego.

I later met up with K-Pop star stalker, Nina. Go check out her stuff, it's quite nice in a I'm-totally-getting-paid-to-say-this sorta way. Tell her I sent you and she'll love you long time.

SIGH! SGH?

Gansta AzN, Yo!

A view of a boat. A MUH'FUGGIN BOAT!

Prepping for the BBQ. I WANT MEAT (no homo)!

The view of AT&T park. You can actually see Barry Bond's steroid syringe from here.

If you missed my previous Norcal trip installments, here's a video recap of my trip to Norcal, and clips of things I may regret posting, further tarnishing my political career. THERE'S HELLA DRUNKS AND NIPPLE PINCHING HERE! Am I using the term hella correctly? Do people even use "hella" anymore?!?!

Birthday: Old As Balls.
But my balls aren't old!

I don't like making a huge deal out of my birthday. I'm not one who particularly cares for extravagant parties and huge gatherings to celebrate (I much prefer a small group of good friends at a pub or for dinner). Therefore, here are lovely gifs as too how I believe my day has gone, and will go.

When I wake up this morning:

When the cake comes out:

People singing to me:

My parents hand me my gift, which is usually a card stuffed with a wad of cash.

And my aunt hands me a lovely, er, new hand-knit sweater.

And the dance party that I am imagining will happen. 

As I get into bed.

Realizing I'm now 27 years old.

The first day:

A week later:

A month later:

Special thanks to @lovejennyy, @rachelbachel32 and @nimbusthedragon for the Xanga birthday shoutouts (without the help of Facebook, too!).

Norcal 2011: Part 5
Cinco de Mayo in San Francisco.

I spent the majority of my day with Sonlay and Andy. They were great hosts, showing me the best spots to enjoy getting "Mexican sloppy" for Cinco de Mayo. VIVA!

Sampling some Mexican liquor. (From older to younger)

Platos. Many, many platos.

@Sonychak recording me photograph him.

He knows how I love sausage.

I love the long black one, too.

PUT DAT SAUSAGE IN MA MOUFF!

Visiting the park again.

Hay gurl! I heard you like it doggy style.

Creepy: Me taking this shot.
Creepier: The dude with no shame staring her down.

Continue reading →

Xanga Animated.
The many faces of Xanga.

How most people feel when they post something on Xanga and nobody comments.

"Nobody ever pays me in gum..."

When an obscure Xangan writes a popular post.

When I write a protected post and realize it's public...the next morning.

Witness a heated Xangan's criticizing comment on someone's post.

When I prepare a rant or post about another Xangan.

When I see a Xangan post "modeling" pictures.

When I meet someone in person from Xanga and introduce myself for the first time.

When I meet someone in person from Xanga and realize their photos don't match the person.

Continue reading →

Norcal 2011: Part 4
Drinks, and more drinks at Baretta.

I am not the raging alcoholic many claim me to be, at least 362.5 days out of the year. Except on vacation. My liver never goes on vacation.

My first trip on the Caltrain. It makes the NYC subway map look like rocket science.

HUGE WOODIE!

Pushin' daisies. I don't get it.

Getting the party started.

A cup for you, a bottle for me.

"and...THE ARISTOCRATS!"

Continue reading →

Norcal 2011: Part 3
Berkeley and the City.

UC Berkeley is famous for many things, including world-renown alumni, great faculty, and prizewinning professors. But most importantly, it's the home of Asia-America's pride, William Hung. I took a trip to UC Berkeley and paid homage to our favorite American Idol.

Don't pepper spray me, bro!

Yep. That was my experience at UC Berkeley. Now for my trip into the city.

DAT ASS.

KAW KAWWWW!

DEM ASS.

Visiting the market. All I smelled was coffee and cheeses.

A feeble attempt at turning me hipster.

You see a heart. I see a butt.

Continue reading →

Norcal 2011: Part 2
Letterman Digital Arts Center, gorging on food, gokarts, and drunk bowling. Winning combination!

Visiting the Letterman Digital Arts Center reminds me of a typical college campus, or more descriptively, full of WoW players. Pale, slightly overweight, and staring at monitors all day. Except this campus requires an insider to visit; normally not open to the public. Once I stepped inside past the lobby security, I was amazed at the visuals I feasted on. Though I can't share many of the pictures I took (discreetly), here are some I'm able to share. It was a nerdgasm. Let my pictures show you.

Slimerrrr!

Wrong hand usage, but we'll let it slide.

These are not the droids you're looking for.

TENTACLE RAPE!

Let me show you my jizz face.

Imitating your sister's face in bed.

Such a hooker.

Episodes 1-3, burn in hell!

Enter the corridor!

Inspiration to some of the Star Wars films.

I don't see any Monopoly money!

Getting coffee, and her number.
Continue reading →

HOW TO CHOOSE WOMEN.

For most guys, the idea of approaching a cute girl is too daunting to attempt alone. You need your buddies aka Wingmen aka Henchmen aka Brotatoes around you for a bit of support and a safe place to return to just in case, you know, your approach completely blows to sh*t and you crumble into a pile of dust. But your buddies may not be what you need when you’re trying to make a move. But what if the same girl or Xangan cutie catches the eye of one (or more) of your friends? It could make things rather messy. So what’s a guy to do?

That's why you have us. @FlipGuy31O @SonyChak @Junbelievable08 @Roadlesstaken @Timmmmmmy

ASSCAT PROUDLY PRESENTS:

ASSCAT PROCLAMATION TO POON

DIBS EDITION

1) Each ASSCAT* member is allowed one per state.  The first to mention in the chat forum (Facebook, chatroom, GroupMe, etc.) has official DIBS on said person.

2) International Xangans are free-for-all! No dibs required unless clearly stated and agreed upon by majority vote (4 out of 6).

3) ASSCAT member must have a form of communication within 72 hours of mentioning/sighting the female in question.  Communication must be reciprocated.  If nothing happens within two (2) weeks time, said DIBS is placed back into the selection pool.

4) In the unlikely event that there is a clashing of claim, there will be an ASSCAT tribunal wherein the founding members will congregate and hear out both parties for a fair trial.  

5) In the event there is a Xanga Meetup of sort, the hosting member(s) will have bonus options of first choice and up to three (3) additional selections.

6) In the event that you (ASSCAT member) are no longer single, the nearest single ASSCAT member to you (physically) gets all your dibs

7) One may accumulate “Bro Assist” points for helping the single ASSCAT member(s) out. This will translate to +2 girls for the next availability of singledom.

8) Round robin rules. We go around until every member has secured one for themselves, where we will then go around again until all parties are satisfied.

*Replace term ASSCAT with your group of friends or party where applicable.

Charts, figures, and other graphs that make this look more legitimate.

Hot Scale

It's a job, but somebody's gotta do it.

References
Bro Code:  http://jigarbpatel.blogspot.com/2008/12/official-bro-code-part-1-articles-1-40.html

This article has been approved by the good people of ASSCAT Inc (except in Nigeria, Austria, and other countries that are irrelevant).

Norcal 2011: Part 1
Surprise birthday dinner and drinks.

"2011? Chris, do you know what year it is? It's 2012!" Shut it. I'm late. I know. Just like your girlfriend's period after she hung out with me last week. OH SNAP!

Now that you've been successfully distracted, here are some photos from my trip to Norcal in 2011 for a friend's (who flew out from the UK) surprise birthday!

Dericious cupcakes for all!

Fresh off the boat. Imported from the UK.

It's good to know a friend who does catering, and cooks in your kitchen.

Eat ALL the things!

Closeup!

ZOOM! ENHANCE!

Norcalians. Is that what they call them?

Not even an hour into the party and I've my nipples showing.

Oh snap!

Part of the drama club, we were!

Mmm, yes! Smashing!

"And I said, college tuition? Ha ha!"

1 of 6.

Totally normal.

Click here for last year's visit.

A Shucking Disaster.

For Valentines Day, sister (@amuse_bouche) and I decided we didn't need significant others, we just needed lots of booze. Wonderful, intoxicating booze and oysters. Along with being terrible handlers of alcohol (mainly myself), that day, we learned we're one bad arse mothershuckers.

Sister lugged out a dozen or so oysters. It smelled like a lesbian club.

She attempts to pry one open, but no luck. Clearly, a powerdrill was required (no joke).

I prayed, "No loss of fingers. No loss of fingers..."

What? No pearls? RIP OFF!

Five hours later, success! Only 11 more to go.

We decided to take a break. Stubborn mollusks!

It was time for Vegemite!

And plenty of booze.

My friend decided, "Eff this!" And contemplated leaping off the roof.

We finally did it, after losing only three fingers and an eye.

Calling your mothers over for dinner.

A tablet makes for a great cutting board, too!

Chop, chop, chop!

The rack of lamb for supper. SO GEWT!
(I was far too drunk and seven vodkas in to remember eating this)

Just in case you wanted to see more shuckin' around:

Instagram Rant.

Congratulations, Mark Zuckerberg! You paid $1 billion dollars for grainy, over-saturated pictures of people's lunches.

In a nutshell, Instagram is a mobile app that allows you to take a photo, apply one of many grainy filters, and share it with others. I think we saw a glimpse of this on MySpace.

Example of every other Instagram photo.

I don't hate the application or the company. What I do hate are the users and how people use Instagram as a tool to edit and share filtered photos of themselves to make themselves look better. Stop making yourself look vintage. You had that chance with Kodak Polaroids, now it's too late. I hate how people easily leap into this fad when you have so many tools at your disposal, like Facebook or Twitter. You deserve double crotch kicks if you link your Instagram postings to your Twitter and Facebook.

Instagram is to photos, as makeup is to a pig. Just because you apply filters doesn't make you a better photographer. It just covers up your crap. These filters add no originality to your pictures. All it does it make your photo look like the other person's.

Ladies and gentleman, you have a high megapixel smartphone and you upload the most doctored, grainiest pictures since the man who recorded the Loch Ness monster crossed the river. Stop that.

Booby Tuesday
Share ALL the boobs!

No boobs or buttocks were harmed during the making of this post.

How would you change Xanga?

Maybe it's your first month on Xanga. Or perhaps you've been blogging here like the veteran you are for 5+ years. There's been quite a number of changes since I started. But there's always room for change. So if you were president of Xanga for a day, how would you change it? What features would you add or remove?

Reading Novels For the Wrong Reason?

Reading. You're doing it right.

Since The Hunger Games film debuted last week with huge acclaim, there's been an influx of readers. My Facebook feed has been littered with men, women, and gardener, Juan, boasting about how great the movie was, and how they can't wait to read the novel.

Is that all it takes to get people to read nowadays?

Cynically speaking, part of me thinks this is more bandwagon mentality reminiscent of that child-mongering warlord in some African country, again. The other hopeful and "the children are our future!" part of me encourages more kids to take up reading instead of stating my mother enjoys putting her mouth around a "particular genital" after destroying me in Call of Duty.

I used to enjoy reading. It immerses you in a whole different world. And it can also help you understand the mind frames of people and how ridiculous society and authority was in certain periods. It's a tool to understand the psychological depths in history. And it also opens new ideas of the world that you wouldn't have considered before. It provides insight on different perspective. It helps you understand in such entertaining ways.

I used to enjoy reading, then I went to college.

Admittedly, I'm not an avid reader of novels anymore. In fact, I can't stand them. With conditioning and the side-effects of technology, my attention span's been reduced to 140 characters or less. Written novella makes me turn my head. 140 pages? Give me 140 characters. The irony in this is the fact my posts far exceed that count.

'MURICA! F*CK YEAH!

Unlike the few out there who soak up novellas like Kim Kardashian does Black penises and finish them in a weekend, what I dislike even more are the people who pick these books up and flaunt it around like a totem of mental aptitude, hoping some girl would notice him with book in hand. As if it's a benchmark for intelligence, and maybe the type of lure they need to grab that girl's attention. This is like girls who pretend to be "nerdy" and "love video games" to grab a boy's attention. Bish, just cause you wear glasses and play Angry Birds doesn't give you the right to use that label.

So, Starbucks guy who sits in the corner everyday, still thumbing around on that faded page 6, I'm into you.

tl;dr: Unicorns make for great see-saws during the summer solstice, but only after 4:05AM.

Nail In The Coffin.
Quotes sites exposed.

Shortly after posting my half-assed blogs about quotes sites, their supporters swarmed my site and began to desperately defend themselves. One in particular, @seekingxxhappiness, who I linked in my post then proceeds to argue with my readers, especially those who openly agreed with my opinions.

I'm fine with that. My site is an open forum. Talk about my post, disagree with the way I look, or make fun of my large penis. I don't mind. So I decided to check out these pro-quotes sites commenting me. Things began to unravel. These sites seemed far more sketchy than I first thought.

I visited one site, as seen below. It reeked of typical Tumblr clone and quotes site.

Then I looked at another (with a large amount of views) side by side.

My, these two websites seem oddly similar. So I took it a step further with the help of MacGyver, Sniff McGriff the Crime Dog, and the good people from CSI: Miami. ZOOM! ENHANCE!

Look above. Look at the usernames and the IP addresses. Rub your eyes. Look at the usernames and the IP addresses again. It's true! SOMEBODY CLEARLY HACKED THESE TWO ACCOUNTS AND ARE USING THEM FROM THE SAME PC! Or maybe they're the same person behind these quotes sites.

How do you explain that? Let me guess, your sister and mother both have a Xanga too. And they both have deep fascinations with quotes & Tumblr as well? Not only are you using multiple accounts to comment and rec' your own posts, but you try to use different accounts to provide backup for quotes sites on MY site.

YOU'RE SUCH AN E-BULLY!

I don't blame you, though. Spending long hours staring at your monitor and refreshing your own page can cause hallucination, multiple personality disorder, and talking to yourself. This is a good example:

Talking to yourself. You're doing it right.

So, dear quotes sites, what else would you like to discuss? I've laid everything out on a nice picnic table (WITH AWESOME PLAID DESIGN AND FINE SILVERWARE!) for everyone to see. My side of the story has been released for public consumption. Care to explain your side? Or are you going to do quote site-y things and tell me to "get a life" and stop being a "fat", "lonely", person?

BOOM! Checkmate.

Notice a sudden absence of these "quotes sites" from the front page ever since I posted about this topic? ¯_(ツ)_/¯