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  • She Had A Miscarriage.
     
    My brother's wife's aunt''s second cousin's pet iguana's owner from Brazil's electrician's pet monkey had a miscarriage.

    Because they're not from 'Murrica (F*CK YEAH!), we knew it was a risky pregnancy. Them zany 'Zilians. But it was so exciting to think we would have another sad animal on TV to help feed for "only pennies a day."  But all of that excitement turned to disappointment and tears today.

    Just keep us in your thoughts.

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    I would have sexual relations with either of these two, if you know what I mean.
  • COMING SOON:
    Quotes Sites Exposed

    Here's a dramatization of how things will go down on this Monday's post:

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    I blindly write the post, then hit submit.

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    Xangans begin to see the light. The level of camaraderie is at a new high on Xanga.

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    I sit back and make these quote sites my personal concubines.

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    The quotes sites see they've been exposed and react accordingly.

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    Other quotes sites come their aid and try to console one another.

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    Aggravated by my previous posts, a gang of masked Quote Site Ninja Turtles (QSNT for short) try to assault me...

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    Nope. Maybe next time.

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    I call it a day.

  • Quotes Site.

    Let's run a quick test.

    The time is now 7:04pm EST. I have 1 view.

    In the meantime, here is a lovely photo to pass the time. I will return in an hour.

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    Boobs for the boys, cute wittle puppy for the girls.

    UPDATE 8:05PM: 5,314 views. #10 on the Xanga front page. I will return in an hour.

    UPDATE 9:05PM: 11,165 views. In under 2 hours, I've reached #2 on the Xanga front page. Little to no effort required.

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    UPDATE 10:05PM: 19,456 views. #1 on front page.

    Conclusion: It took me less than 2 minutes of actual "writing" and posting, eventually beating out other more deserving bloggers whom spent upwards of 30-45 minutes to write a full post. If that doesn't alarm you, you might not understand the Xanga community.

  • Making Front Page.
    Fake it to make it.

    Ladies and gentlemen, we got ourselves a classic case of Xanga controversy here. Yeehaw! I haven't had one of these in a while.

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    Look at the views. Now look at the comments. Now back to me again. Did you you just furl your eyebrows? Good. Because you're not alone.

    @seekingxxhappiness and @openyoureyessunshine. 6,250 views and only 9 comments. 8 comments which probably came from accounts under your own creation. Your other site that sits at the #2 spot reeks of the same injustice. Other Xangans, who are far more deserving than you should be in your place right now. But they're not. @TrainTrack should be #1. Not your gif-filled site.

    Are your fingers tired yet? Are you done fingering (giggity)? Honestly now, do really love your website a lot to view it that much (or-use-plugins-to-autorefresh-but-I-won't-let-others-know-because-it'll-cause-others-do-the-same-oops-I-said-too-much)? Or maybe refreshing your own page hours at a time brings you joy and consider it a replacement for cardio exercises? I hope it makes you feel better. I took .214 seconds to browse your site and it looks like some Tumblr page a 15-year old pissed out while on her period. How on earth could that many people view it so many times?

    Congratulations for making Xanga front page through gaming. You win the "Forever Alone" award.

    This has been going on for months now. I've kept quiet, but now you've had your fun. Now show some restraint. At least build up your audience, then fake your traffic hits. That's clearly written on page 42 of "How To Fake Internet Popularity: For Dummies". How can you seriously believe people don't know how transparent you are when veterans like @thetheologianscafe receive a regular stream of traffic, comments, but only a fifth of your views?

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    ARE YOU SAYING WE XANGANS ARE STUPID? IS THAT IT? BECAUSE WE CAN CHANGE. WE CAN WORK THIS OUT, DAMN IT! BOOKS ARE OUR FRIENDS NOW. WE'LL EVEN START BEING MORE GREEN AND RECYCLE!

    Today, we reveal @seekingxxhappiness and @openyoureyessunshine. The sour taste left in people's mouths won't scrub cleanly, but over time, we'll forgive and forget. We Xangans here are good people. Otherwise, things will get uglier over time and I'll be damned if I have to bring out the Xanga broom and dustpan.

  • Michael Bay Ruins Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    Michael Bay is on a mission. A mission to ruin your childhood. We already lost The Transformers to him. Now he wants our beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We must stop him!

  • Double Standard For Men?

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    Can I bu--...FINE! Can I sniff your hand at least?

    One of the givens of being a guy is that one way or another you’re going to spend money on getting the girl. Odds are that you’re probably already spending part of your saved-for-a-hooker-in-Vegas cash just to be around girls, whether it’s the money spent on cover charges or the cost of a new shirt you'll spill tequila on. But setting those expenses aside, you’re also going to spend money on directly dealing with girls. And most of the time, that’s going to mean buying drinks.

    As a woman, have you ever bought a man you didn't know a drink? Or for you guys, has a lady ever offered you a drink at the bar or club?

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    I'm curious as to how often this occurs. I'm assuming it's about 95%; guys purchasing drinks for girls. Am I far off? If so, why is that and do you girls think this is the smart way to approach or other form? OPINE, LADIES AND GENTS!
    OPINE!

  • Pooping For The Women.
    And other random conversations of the day.

    This morning, after the help of coffee, the bowels magnetized me towards the men's room. Standing near the restroom were two girls talking. I say, "hey" and carry on with my doodie duty (ha!). 10 fabbbbbulous minutes later I walk out, and to my chagrin, the ladies are still talking. How embarrassing. It's like they definitely know I dropped a deuce. "OH HELLO! I POOPED!"

    At first, I was like...
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    Then after I walked out of the restroom and saw them still standing there...
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    NOW FOR A FUN TIME RANDOM PHOTO INTERMISSION!

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    Random conversations of the day with coworkers.

    Me: Dude, have you hovered around AJC (Annoying Jewish Coworker) lately? Dude, she smells. Really bad.
    Him: Really? Nah, man, I don't go near her.
    Me: Like...you know the saying, "You are what you eat"? Well, she definitely smells like it--expired food.

    With the weather showing its first sneak peek of Spring weather, coworker and I spot a lovely girl in a cute summer dress sitting outside.

    Me: Yo! Look.
    Him: Wow. This girl's rack is phenomenal. Tell you what, if you consider my offer and I end up getting laid, I will try to snap a picture of her tits with my cellphone and send it to you. Trust me, they are great.

  • We Got a Badass Over Here.

    I received one of the most hilarious birthday gifts (exactly 35.7 days early *hint hint nudge nudge*) in the mail today. Though that flaming bag of poo that's left on my doorsteps every morning comes at at close second, purchasing new sneakers every two weeks has become uneconomical.

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    The final product!

    If you're unfamiliar with this meme, Helen Keller, or have a hidden racist agenda against all non-Caucasians (it's quite alright. We don't judge around here), this should explain the above photo. Sent all the way from the Netherlands (where hookers have three vaginas and have a buy 2 get 1 free deal), my friend recapped her adventure. I'd like to share it with you as well.

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  • Xanga In a Nutshell.

    Whenever somebody on Xanga sends me a mass message:

    Am I right or am I right? Xanga needs to implement a feature so you can opt out of mass messages. 99% of it is spam; a ploy to have you comment on their ridiculously bad poetry or essay; let you know they are moving to Tumblr/Wordpress and going to return after three short-lived weeks and not receiving any comments.

  • How To Smile For the Camera.

    Our team was asked to take a group photo to be in the next company newsletter. Which one should we use?


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    (First photo, I farted a split second before the shutter went off, hence the huge teeth-baring smile.)

  • Being a fan of the Knicks.
    This is what we deal with.

    If you're not a sports fan or somebody who watches basketball (we can't be friends anymore. jk), you may have heard the breaking news this afternoon. Before heading into tonight's game with @lovejennyy and @drakonfyre, my super reliable insider source told me everything about what REALLY happened.

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  • Photoshop Hero: Office Trolling.

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    Lesson here? Never give me an the opportunity to do anything.

  • Daylight Saving Time of Your Life.

    While most of you are bemoaning the start of Daylight Saving Time, or supporting Kony 2012, I welcome this wonderful extra hour of sunlight. Next to Christmas, and National Whack a Snake Day, DST is my favorite holiday. Besides, you'll make it up come fall when DST ends.

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    MY EYES! They burn!

    The good news: Your sunny days are about to get longer.
    The bad: You're gonna feel like a zombie with less sleep this week.

    But since you're an Optimist Prime like me, I don't care for my lost hour. Though an hour is a funny increment of time. If you have to work for an hour, it can seem like the clock never moves. But if you have an hour free, that time seems to elude you in a blink of an eye. Here's a list of things I could do with that hour.

    • Slept an extra hour.
    • Watched an extra episode of Kitchen Nightmares.
    • Get around to filing my taxes.
    • Slept an extra hour.
    • Changed all the clocks on everyone's PC at work.
    • Slept an extra hour.
    • Wouldn't have missed McDonald's breakfast cutoff time. My stomach is on strike now.
    • Started a band.
    • Slept an extra hour.
    • Joined the circus.
    • Counted 3,600 seconds.
    • Slept an extra hour.
    • Get married and have it last longer than Kim Kardasian's.
    • Slept an extra hour.
    • Prepare for Y2K.
    • Slept an extra hour.
    • Prank called 18 extra people.
    • Slept an extra hour.
    • Have an extra session of "Power Hour".
    • Slept an extra hour.
    • Avoid writing this post about Daylight Saving day.
    Now that you have an extra hour, what are you going to do with it?

  • Should You Support Kony 2012?
    Final thoughts on this campaign.

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    Too soon? Nah, never too soon for the internet!

    As momentum for the Kony 2012 video skyrockets and eventually plummets like all viral videos, the discussion whether The Kony 2012 campaign was the correct course of action to solve the issue in Uganda will be debated. The criticism surrounding this video points to those spreading this information, making uninformed actions without taking the initiative to research the issue. It's easy to simply share or re-tweet a charitable link and video and call it your good deed for the week. But when one does these actions blindly, you can be doing just as much harm, though unintended. If you read my previous post, you will see that the post is not against or for Kony, it is against the entire way this protest is being run and how it has spread.

    This campaign has snowballed through social medias and deserves a critical eye with Invisible Children being a questionable "non-profit charity." People should question these matters before jumping on bandwagons or donating money. It's good that Kony has gained notoriety, but it's just as important that people understand what they are supporting.

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    Kony posts seem to give people an overbearingly false sense they are doing something to improve the world. Ask the same people posting the Kony 2012 video today, a month from now--or even two weeks from now--if they've thought about it or have continued to spread the message. Haiti? Japan? Does it ring a bell?

    How many times have you taken the time to "share" a story on Facebook about the plight of the impoverished within your own country? How about most recently, the Midwest? Our own soil?

    We've had a series of destructive and deadly tornadoes run through our own country, yet there was little social media action seeking aid. A quick search on Facebook returned a whopping 30:1 ratio of Uganda-related results compared the natural disasters the Midwest has faced.

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    Won't somebody think of the children!?

    There's a fine line between social network flooding and spamming an idea or movement that the masses are uninformed about. I won't ask people to stop supporting this or posting about it--as I do support the removal of Kony--I do not however, agree that a majority of people posting about it are sharing the video for legitimate reasons, and only posting the video because it's trending, or all their friends are doing so. To me, it almost seems fad-like.

    The burning question that I find most people overlooking, what is the ultimate goal of this campaign? Are they going to send Kony a letter to stop what he's doing, put down his arms, and play nice? The people behind Invisible Children will want to forcefully remove him from power. Use violence to stop violence. Does this seem hypocritical of their own actions? The same people posting about this wanted our troops back from Iraq/Afghanistan and often criticize our military for their actions. Now you want military intervention to get rid of this man?

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    What you see is a photo showing the filmmakers of the KONY 2012 movement with AK-47's and RPG's.

    Uganda is a fairly stable country right now contrary to what the video will have you believe. The majority of the the real conflict has moved elsewhere into places like the Congo, where the US extracts mineral used in the production of cell phones which is why they have no interest in risking stopping that production. This is exactly why I have a huge problem with the video and the way people see it and say, "Oh, this Kony is a terrible person! Save all the Ugandan children! Share!" without really educating themselves.

    The inherent issue is also way more complicated. The political and humanitarian instability in that region is bigger than just one man. This organization also advocates for direct military intervention led by the Ugandan government forces, who are guilty of atrocities of their own. That includes everything depicted in the Kony video; rape, murder, looting, and children bearing arms.

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    I support the demise of Johnathan Kony as much as you. My main issue isn't regarding what actions have or haven't been taken, but how people are going about spreading information or views that go without research. Understand the fact that to do something is not always a good thing, especially if it (like in this case) leads to military intervention or maybe just money going into a few people's pockets.


    Be more informed. Other opinions regarding Kony 2012:

    Invisible Children's response to their criticisms:


    If someone watches a video and begins to care about something--we all start somewhere--that's fine. However, I do care if people jump to support without doing research outside the video. I'm not asking you to stop sharing the video or tell you what to do with your money. But don't remain ignorant. Read, research, and learn all sides before you make your decision.

  • KONY 2012. Is it a fad?

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    Take a look at Twitter or your Facebook feed. You'll see 'Kony 2012' or some variant of it trending all over the website. The ultimate goal of the video--for those that have seen this video or a link to it--is to make Joseph Kony infamous (not famous, silly people). By doing so, they hope he will gain worldwide attention in an effort to bringing him to justice.

    Hipster Cakalusa would say, "I've known about Kony before he was popular." But Hipster Cakalusa died an eon ago, along with that movement we called "Occupy Wall Street." Yeah, remember that?

    The Uganda conflict has been going on for the past 30 years and only now have people begun taking action toward it? I hope you all catch your man and kill him via hashtags and trending topics! But seriously, this happens across many parts of Africa daily. Why are we focusing on just one person? If you really want to take action, you need to deal with the whole issue, not just Kony.

    "The thing is that Joseph Kony has been doing this for a very, very, very long time. He emerged about a quarter of a century, which is about the same time that Uganda’s President Yoweri Museveni came to power.  As a result the fates of these two leaders must, I think, be viewed together. Yet, though President Museveni must be integral to any solution to this problem, I didn’t hear him mentioned once in the 30-minute video. I thought that this was a crucial omission. Invisible Children asked viewers to seek the engagement of American policymakers and celebrities, but – and this is a major red flag – it didn’t introduce them to the many Northern Ugandans already doing fantastic work both in their local communities and in the diaspora. It didn’t ask its viewers to seek diplomatic pressure on President Museveni’s administration." -Musa Okwonga

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    Before you begin forming a picket in front of my home with pitchforks demanding my head for being inhumane and heartless, my ill feelings isn't against the people of Africa or fighting for human rights. No, I fully support this movement and hope Kony comes to justice. It's how this issue has been hiding under the radar for so long--and only after decades--a video must become viral for it to become aware to the people. Half of whom never researched or looked into the LRA, Kony, or mass genocides happening all across Africa; making a statement or voicing opinions only because their friends, social networks, and favorite celebrities made it popular, and the "in" thing to do. The Obama run for election would be a clear example.

    The 2006 James Bond film Casino Royale features the Lord's Resistance Army, yet people still weren't aware of them. In 2004, a film titled Team America: World Police was released, and featured a secluded and hermit country called North Korea. When should we expect to see the Kim Jong-Un 2013 video?

    I believe in the cause and it's sad what's happening, but I'm upset at people pretending to care and following the hype.

    What's your take on Kony 2012?