When you see it….

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Jailbreak ALL the things!

Asian Girls Without Makeup III.
My beer goggles say 10, my BroRometer says 5!

Kauai: Part 2 of 2.
Now with 50% more video! Click here for part 1.

This July 4th, celebrate our country's freedom by blowing up a piece of it.

Big mounds.

Life's a beach, then you die.

Dinner to go.

Only who can prevent forest fires?

A pic-a-nic at the beach.

Fine wine and dine.

Whoa! DOUBLE CLOUDY RAINBOW!

Locals enjoying a day at the beach.

Kiddies playing and probably peeing at the shore.

Locals here enjoy wake boarding and surfing. I tried, but failed instantly.

Sparkle! Sparkle!

Silly. Bikes don't swim...or can they?

Adios! Until next time. Stay coconutty.

Kauai: Part 1 of 2.
Less grass skirts, more hula dancing.

Having a timeshare in exotic parts of the world has its perks. One, you would never need to deal with sleeping in a forest and turning into a bear's lunch. Two, the locals will not hold you ransom for 500,000 in Monopoly money. And lastly, there's nothing like fresh towels every morning to take home (you're a liar if you've never sneaked one into your suitcase!).

This year, my family and I decided to take a vacation to Kauai, Hawaii. This being my second time there, but first with my family. It's been years since we've taken one as a whole--between work, living in different parts of the country, and Occupying ALL the Wall Streets--so this was a vacation I couldn't miss.

The Life of A Janitor.

Like pants and socks, we take hard-working janitors for granted and never appreciate them until we don't have them readily available. Early this afternoon, I felt the bowels trembling, so I made a beeline straight to the men's room. I choose my usual stall #2 of 6 and wrap the toilet seat like a Christmas present. Plop myself down and whip out the smartphone.

Ten minutes and a few Facebook stalkings later, the Hispanic janitor--who's worked here for over a year, sharing a few back and forth hellos--came in and started cleaning the restroom, pretending I wasn't in my stall. Like so many dissatisfied women in my life, I hate performing under pressure, so I finished my business and flushed the toilet, except this time--out of all the times--it didn't flush.

My face went from pleasantly relieved to:

I clogged the toilet. With the janitor still here. Can you say awkward much? Sure, this would be immediately Tweeted and posted on Facebook about my recent achievement. Normally I'd ditch the scene like O.J. and say "peaaaaace!" while clenching my nose. But no, not this time. This time I was stuck, staring at the clogged toilet, back at the janitor, and back at the toilet again in disbelief. I contemplated simply playing it cool and then sprinting out the door as soon as the janitor wasn't looking. But that would mean I'd have to avoid him every day from that point forward. I calculated it in my head and figured my bowel movements are far too frequent to put up with that.

Like a grown up (unlike most other occasions), I slowly turned the lock and opened the door, preparing myself to be walloped across the face with a mop. To my left was 'Amigo'. I've no name for him, other than what TV dictates.

"Amigo!" I say, with a brighter grin than usual. "Hey, do you, uh, have a plunger?"

He looks at me confused.

I say it a little louder, as if it will help him understand. "El plunger!" I reinforce the idea with a hand gesture like I'm giving an imaginary two-fisted handjob.

He looks at me still confused. I motion my hand to the toilet and open the stall door. His face immediately looked like he was prepared to go into battle and already wished his family and children goodbye. "Oh, okay," Amigo murmured. He acknowledged the A-bomb I unleashed on the toilet and let me it would be taken care of. As if his life wasn't difficult enough, I came along and toss more salt onto the wound.

In my mind, he's telling his only child, "Tell mama I love jer" or "Ay dios mio! Tu me tienes loca. Deja me ya." which roughly translate to: "Mama, this Chino le bombed the bano. Tell Papa I'll see him soon in heaven." Did I mention I passed Spanish with flying colors?

I washed my hands, thanked him for his understanding, and ran the hell out of there like cops on minorities. We'll never know if Amigo survived the disaster I left in stall #2. In face, this afternoon, we may have lost one of the finest janitors this side of Long Island. But there's no other mopper, sanitizer, toilet plunging janitor I'd entrust for this job.

Thank you, Amigo! You deserve employee of the month for this.

Cakalusa On The News.
And other random sightings.

I went away this weekend for some relaxing skiing off icy cliffs and 60 degree declines. When I returned to my cabin, suffering from frostbite and pneumonia, I received a few messages in my inbox. One was regarding sighting me on TV. A follower (fellow Xangan @nbmrockon) found me on Taiwanese news.

I couldn't believe it when I finally saw the video. "WHO IS THIS DOPPLEGAANGER!?" Can anyone translate what the news reporter is saying and the text at the bottom? Though I wished they made me into one of those 3D animated dramatizations.

And then there's a second video, that I barely remember (obviously due to me suffering from Linsanity and not due to alcoholic beverage consumption) from the night. I found it posted on my Facebook wall, asking me to keep watching. Then, BAM! My "wtf, mate" face was out on full force.

Identity theft is not a joke!

Now that I've increased (or decreased) my internetz fame by .0000015% , I'll be taking numbers now, ladies.

Jeremy Lin, Be My Date?

Jeremy Lin has taken the sports world by storm.  Lin-sanity is sweeping the nation right now. However, not everybody is aware of Jeremy Lin (aka Jerry Linn of the New York Giants). Ruh-roh.

Jerry Linn? New York Giants? Black guy? Epic fail.

LINSANITY

That is all.

Now commence the whining!

Chooooosies!

Anyone want to be my Valentine? Anyone? No? I promise there won't be an tentacle rape. You, over there slowly turning your head away. Don't ignore me!

Damn it!

Fine! I didn't want to celebrate this stupid holiday anyway!

Now that I'm back to my regular old hating self, Welcome to Cakalusa's Valentine Hate Shack™. Have an ex that you want to lay out on the carpet with a few swift roundhouse kicks? Or stab a few times in the eyes and eardrums for breaking your heart and stomping on it? Maybe you know somebody that used a friend of yours. Take a little bit of revenge by nominating them to the deep dark dungeons of "Cakalusa's Valentines Hate Shack Hall of Shame." Tell us who they are (no last names, unless you really dislike them), what they did, and how it made you feel in the comments section.

Remember, The Hall of Shame isn't just reserved for Valentine's Day, shame lasts year 'round! So bring out the worst and lay it all out on the table for us. I'll select the top three nominees (based on Recs and my opinion) to be stored away into the fiery pits of "Cakalusa's Valentines Hate Shack Hall of Shame" for future verbal and textual lashing by the public.

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Impress her with FRESH SHUCKED OYSTERS!

If you're completely clueless for Valentine's Day plans, or need last minute ones, here's a great way to impress your lady (or man). View the latest--and very delicious--recipe from sister, @amuse_bouche.

Appreciate this video. I almost lost a few fingers to bring you this video!

You and Xanga.

The Rise of Jeremy Lin.

Linsanity! Because of three games, three games against the New Jersey Nets, Utah Jazz and Washington Wizards in which someone on the Knicks actually resembled a point guard, some dude from Harvard named Jeremy Lin has captured the hearts of New York City.

This is the true underdog story. This is the rise of Jeremy Lin.

If you liked this video or feel inspired in any way shape or form, share this with others. Otherwise, your cat might die or something just as horrible.

Bye bye coworker!

YES! My neighbor at work is getting surgery very soon and will be out for a month or so.Tthen she's requesting to work from home for a bit. Sad, I won't be getting any new quotes to add for a while. So in honor of my neighbor, I present to you the latest quotes from the annoying coworker!

"I have no idea what's going on around my desk."

"I'm dying! /sneeze "I'm dying of a slow allergy death!"

"Oh my god. A day without Starbucks is like a day without sunshine."

"Come on, computer. What the hell are you doing? I don't have all day for this sh*t!"

"No love for Manheim!"

"Oh my! I'm shedding."

"Oh, come on, (company name). I don't have all day for this." /slams mouse

"I LOVE shopping on QVC!"

 

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Degrading Asian Photo of the Day

 

Plump or pregnant?

KILL IT BEFORE IT LAYS EGGS!

The Annoying Jewish Coworker on Facebook.
Yeah, I friended her. ‎‎

Annoying Jewish Coworker:   YOUR TOTAL BS.... I'm the LAST PERSON to NOT BE Trusted with other people's things ‎‎

Me:   okay. just relaying his msg (manager asked her to do something and I hyped it up to make her worry).

‎‎AJC:   he would have emailed me about ...   oh yeah You made me sick last night ‎‎

Me:   okay.

‎‎AJC:   I went on face book saw your FB posts on my FEED ‎‎

Me:   you can unfriend me if you'd like. problem solved. ‎‎

AJC:   BLA BLA BLA   you blocked most of everyhing from me anyway   why not unfriend me ‎‎

Me:   okay ‎‎

AJC:   wait NOOOOO!!

¯(°_o)/¯

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Random Images of the Day

 

 

 

 

EPIC ASIAN FAIR!

 

 

 

 

Interview With A Stripper.

Put your nuts in my...oh, dear.

Picture a stripper in your mind. Thoughts of a tall shiny pole, neon g-strings, and a rainbow of colored tassels covering boobs. And correct you are, my friend! Correct you are. But there's more to a stripper than just tits and making it rain. Underneath that is a lady trying to pay for school--for the most part--and making a living.

Today, we sit down with a friend of mine, 'Evelyn' (name withheld for stalker prevention), to answer all your burning questions (not the burning sensation near your crotch, you should talk to a doctor about that). I met Evelyn (she stalked me) a number of years ago here on Xanga. Evelyn's a wild and not-so-average, but great friend. I felt kind of guilty for being surprised by that. She's a humorous, foul-mouthed, gamer that you may have to question yourself for introducing her to your parents. I had my list of questions and she agreed to answer them.

Chris: Show me your penis!

Evelyn: Only if you show me yours. (laughs)

C: So thanks for taking the time for this interview. I hope I'm not keeping you from your job and shaking that thang. What's it like working at a strip club?

E: It's like the ultimate job for a lazy person.

C: Really? I would imagine you would have to do lots of physical activity...you know, like dancing.

E: Well, yeah. But that's easy. You're only really on stage maybe 6 times a day for 12 minutes at a time. And that's only if you work day shift and there aren't many girls. And lap dances I practically sleep through.

C: Ah, I see. Is it by the hour or just all tips?

E: It's by the hour some places out here. Where I work, just tips. AND they don't record my coming and going.

C: So you just show up whenever you want? I wish I could do that at my job!

E: Pretty much. Whenever I want money.

C: "Yawn! I feel like making money" Walks into work.

(laughter)

C: This is so awesome, by the way. I've never had an interview with a stripper! Do you mind if I ask how much you make a night on average?

E: Honestly, I don't make that much in this state. Out here, customers want WAY TOO MUCH for WAY TOO LITTLE. In Colorado I made about 5-800 a day on average.

C: Oh wow!

E: Club is right outside an army base where they ship boys to and from Iraq. There's nothing to do in Colorado Springs but drink, hike, or a strip club. So, you can come in, work six hours, and even if it's dead half the day, which it usually was.

C: So it was a prime spot. Hear that, ladies? To all you future strippers to be, consider Colorado!

E: Yeah. Out here, I only really come in for three hours a day or so. Make $150-200 and take off. If I work a full shift, I only make $2-300.

"The ones that are really going to school--instead of the ones
who just say they do--are always doing homework in the back."

C: So do you plan on dancing for a while or other plans in future?

E: I plan on dancing for another year or so. I'd like to dance my way up to $30-40K in the bank. I figure, I may as well make the easy money while I can.

C: Mmmhm. And then?

E: Suck it up and finish that last year of school. Plenty of the girls do. The ones that are really going to school--instead of the ones who just say they do--are always doing homework in the back.

C: *Bends over. Writes answers. Snaps back up*

E: (laughs) I'd do it on stage.

C: I'd pay to see that.

E: I'm sure plenty of guys would be into that.

C: "Oooh, don't take off those library glasses!"

E: Sadly enough, I really do wear glasses like that.

 

Do you have any questions you'd like answered? Post your questions below and I'll ask them in my next interview.

Texts from an Asian Mother #7
Asian mother text, Asian son grimace.

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Mom on mice: they come out to party at night when we're gone

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Mom on Chicago: Chicago is a windy city ... it blows your luck away even before you get there ... you and Chicago don't get along too well

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Mom on heat wave: it's a murder out there

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Mom on eating out: fast food no healthy ar

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Mom on vacationing in Hong Kong: That's it, ****** just called and said that the apartment in the brothel house building in HK has three bedrooms with 2 double beds and 1 single bed which can accommodate up to 5 ppl ... hope you're ready for this adventure

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Mom on fun: The cat is away, the mouse come out and play

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Mom on being subtle about my diet: Want to have a salad for dinner?

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Mom on blood donations: Those Draculas sucking you dry again??? Bet you are a gallon donor already. And they didn't send you a new proud gallon donor card? the nerve

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Mom on weather
Her: It's nice out. You should go out and enjoy it instead of sitting in all day.
Me: I already did.
Her: wow .. smarter than the 5th graders

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Mom on decisions
Her: Are you going to yoga today?
Me: Naw.
(5 minutes later)
Me: Actually, yeah, I'm going.
Her: I thought changing minds is only the ladies' privilege ... not boys too 

I know I'm not alone in this. Do you get random/embarrassing texts from your parents? Share some of yours!

Want to read more texts? Check out previous installments: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. Yeah, there's plenty.