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Annoying Jewish Coworker on White Castle.
Last month, the office decided to treat their employees with a $100 stipend to purchase whatever they wanted to celebrate the holidays at work. My idea of purchasing cheap liquor was quickly tossed out the window. But my second suggestion was quickly acknowledged: a crave case of White Castle and pizza. Did your stomach just growl in horror? Yeah, mine too.
The legendary crave case.The party ended around 2pm. After the festivities and loosening our belts one notch post gorging, we began the arduous cleanup process and realization we had to get back to work (fml). We had about 15 burgers, a specialty pizza pie, and mountain of homemade baked goods left over. The Annoying Jewish Coworker took this as an open invite and showed no self-control. In fact, I've seen pedophiles in a playground with more restraint; this was her opportunity. It was no surprise what the Annoying Jewish Coworker (AJC) had to say as we were all cleaning up:
AJC: The white castle burgers I'm taking home (about 9 burgers with onion rings) should last my family about two or three days.
Coworker: I'm glad our department can help support your familyYou seriously can't make this up.
I hated hipsters before it went mainstream
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How to Deal with Depression.
Every year, dozens are affected by this phenomenon called P.X.M.D. or Post Xanga Meetup Depression. Discovered in late 2010, Dr. @john had unearthed a devastating illness shortly after a Xanga Meet. With the recent discovery, researchers have been baffled by this for years, eager to find a cure. Most Xanga health experts and moderators agree that when PXMD is at its most severe case, eProps can be helpful—sometimes life-saving. However, research shows that even "Recs" even fall short for many Xanga users.
Research shows with each successful meetup is more blissful than the last. As a result, PXMD cause a wide range of ill effects, including:
- Nausea
- Diarrhea
- Anxiety
- Restlessness
- Decreased sex drive
- Increased sex drive
- American rate weight gain
- Hair loss
- Facebook stalking
- Increased memes
- Crying in the corner with a bottle of Jack
- Diarrhea
- Constipation
- Creator's block
PXMD is generally caused by many factors, but not limited to:
Celebrating too early.
Eating so saury fish.
Coming out of a closet.
Getting burgers for the boys.
Beer pong.
Replacing friends with cardboard cutouts.
Excessive indoor wind.
Overwhelming camera action.
Gummy Bears not meant for children.
Blatant sexism.
Neon colored shots.
Too much swag.
Overeating of beans.
Festive cookies and delicious meatballs.
Gluttony.
Odd gravitational pulls.
Excessive alcohol.
Excessive alcohol.
Excessive alcohol.
Excessive alcohol due to card games.
Meeting up with old-school friends/Xangans.
Getting blown.
Making a mess with glitter.
Being fabbbbulous.
Meeting new people, or Wolverines.
Bromance.
Excessive alcohol.
Getting too comfortable.
Self-inflicted tickle fights.
Huge gangbangs.
Dat ass.The following have been affected by PXMD: @Roadlesstaken @sonychak @flipguy31o @timmmmmmy @dayrab @nimbusthedragon @scrooge0 @swtaznxtc90 @junbelievable08 @infinitiny @bengozen @trigger821 @lcrazyaznl @whotakethmycoke @stupid_systemus @babychillax @Joanna_said_SO @hello_bianca @DrakonFyre @chicbananas @branmacfeabhail @bengozen @melliemee @retarded_beautiful @EricSpellsRice @ch10n9 @d2h5b @hollywoodfever91 @basil_dreams @toadywonders @melliemee
If you or anyone you know is suffering from PXMD, contact your local Xanga authorities immediately. The best prevention is recommendation.
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Epic Xangan New Year's Party.
This New Years Eve was spent in Virginia, hosted by @Roadlesstaken. With over 50 party-goers and plenty of alcohol, livers were destroyed, but for a great cause!
How many drunk Asians did you count?AS SEEN IN VIDEO@Roadlesstaken @sonychak @flipguy31o @timmmmmmy @dayrab @nimbusthedragon @scrooge0 @swtaznxtc90 @junbelievable08 @infinitiny @bengozen @trigger821 @lcrazyaznl @whotakethmycoke @stupid_systemus @babychillax @Joanna_said_SO @hello_bianca @DrakonFyre @chicbananas @branmacfeabhail @bengozen @melliemee @hollywoodfever91 @basil_dreams
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2011 | a year in review
Special thanks to the Xangans that made this year extra funzo!
@roadlesstaken @flipguy31o @sonychak @jeannie_dot_com @DangDatsTracy @whotakethmycoke @hodtos @TheTheologiansCafe @babychillax @HeLLo_Bianca @jennfaceee @junbelievable08 @LitlKittyKat @nimbusthedragon @Scrooge0 @Shopgirl0393 @swtaznxtc90 @spankylicious @drakonfyre @lovejennyy @dayrab @ladiiee @timmmmmmy@lCrAzYAzNl @mycontinuity -
Catch Phrases You Need To Know.
And how to annoy others properly.In the time it will take Kim Kardashian to find another Black boyfriend, I, among many other Xangans will be traveling to Virginia for @roadlesstaken's epic New Years bash. It will be amazing. Livers will be destroyed. Tons of memories made. Incriminating photos and videos taken. I'm going to party like Maury just told me I'm not the father.
Party partyin' yeah!With each Xanga meet, big or small (this is what you said), there's always a phrase that's used often enough that it's tagged with each trip's memory. For example, in the the past Xanga meet-up, "DING!" was gleefully uttered every time an ASSCAT member spotted a female that was attractive. On the other hand, if she was bag-over-the-head worthy, a sad "DONG!" was used.
Ding!
Yes, stretching your elbows is always important.Dong
I hair you've been to the barber before...or maybe here at www.planetlivechat.com
At the Houston meetup with @flipguy310, @roadlesstaken, Jersey Shore was hitting its peak (which isn't saying much), and Pauly D's "AWW YEAH!" was overused to the point where every other sentence included it. AWW YEAH! XANGA MEETS, YEAH!
For this year's huge orgy on New Year's Eve, here are phrases I'll be using losing friends with.
"THUG LIFE!"
I will randomly yell this out every time I can't think of anything else to say, or when someone does something really badass, like offering me a cup of Earl Gray tea or leaving a 14.5% tip."WILDCARD, BISHES!"
In lieu of announcing random surprises like flipping a table over during a Beer Pong loss, this will be said. See here for reference:In a accusing voice, "OHHH, SO YOU'RE (insert stranger's name here)."
If making somebody remember your name is difficult, this should do the trick.David Caruso Memes.
Simple. 1) Listen to story. 2) Make observation. 3) Wait for dramatic pause and take off imaginary sunglasses. 4) Release epic pun. 5) YEAHHHHH! 6) Plan escape route in case of angry mob.Here are a few examples:
Do you have a catchphrase you use a lot? -
Skyrim Is More Addicting Than Crack.
If you dislike video games, skip to the comments section or look at all the pretty pictures.
"I thought the Rockies would be a lot more rockier..."Since the days of SNES, 2011 has been the busiest year of video games purchases for me. In the span of a Kim Kardashian wedding, I've kept myself occupied and beat a number of highly-acclaimed video games, including: Gears of War 3, Trine 2, Battlefield 3, Saints Row: The Third, and Need for Speed: The Run. However, the game that's stuck out the most has been the "Game of the Year" Skyrim. Get your copy and other games using this coupon for GameStop.
I've attempted to play the game released before Skyrim, Fallout 3 a few years ago and grew tired of it quickly, and realized these types of games weren't for me. So when I first started Skyrim, I considered it a "boring" game from the start, and that I wouldn't enjoy it. On a free Thursday evening, I played Skyrim for about an hour before almost uninstalling it. The following evening, on a lonely Friday night (ladies, you can be my Skyrim *hint hint*), I decided to give the game another feeble shot like Britney Spears gives marriages a chance. I started playing at 8pm. I look at my watch and it's 4am.
What. The. F*ck?
I hear birds chirping, garbageman coming to pick up the trash and the sun peeking through my window. It was a familiar feeling I thought I'd never relive, my World of Warcraft days. Days of antisocial, never see the outdoors, type of lifestyle. I quickly shut my PC down and get some rest, only to start playing again soon after breakfast. It was 10am when I continued. I didn't stop until 11pm, only taking breaks to eat, and almost wanting to forgo showering. If you know me, I can't stand going to bed without showering.
With most games beat in a weekend, I've spent two months on Skyrim and barely scratched the surface. Skyrim is like Final Fantasy + Metal Gear + Call of Duty + The Sims + Cooking Mama, in one ginormous game. There's so much to do in this game.
Things to do in Skyrim:- Have a village chase after you for killing a chicken.
- Steal from a farmer.
- Create your own armor.
- Fight a giant 20 times your size and go flying if you take a wrong step.
- Fight a dragon 50 times your size.
- Travel the huge world by land, horseback, or wagon. Yeehaw!
- Hire minions to be your ally and carry your burdens.
- Pickpocket an old lady.
There's tons that I haven't mentioned and wish I could list them all, but I took an arrow to the knee.
Have you played Skyrim? What do you think? -
My Worst Toilet Experience Ever.
Results may vary.So I had the McSquirts at work one day. I shimmied my way to the restrooms grabbing my butt. As soon as my buttcheeks touched the freshly lined toilet seat, I let it flow. It was like a Japanese tsunami (too soon?) taking every Pokemon card in its path.
Then disaster struck once again, like God always plans for me each day. There was a roll of toilet paper sitting on the dispenser, and as I was unraveling it, dropped it onto the floor--it felt like slow-motion "Nooooo!" The whole bundle of one-ply rolls across the stalls, end to end, leaving a trail of precious toilet paper. Worst part, the three stalls were being occupied. So I tried to pull the roll back, but it kept rolling in place. I could hear men muffling their coughs and laughter. Either that, or my crap really stank that day.
This is one bathroom story that isn't humorous, AND DAMNIT, I love bathroom humor.
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Top 10 Crazy Facts About Kim Jong Il
Now that we all know our most ronrey dictator has passed away, here are 10 facts.North Korea’s pint-sized dictator is a master of propaganda and social manipulation, but he also apparently suffers from insecurity, delusion, and severe OCD. Here are 10 “facts” about Kim Jong Il, as reported by the media. The word “facts” is in quotes because the first 5 on the list are examples of propaganda that Kim Jong Il uses to brainwash his citizens into maintaining his almost god-like image. The last 5 are actual facts.
10Supernatural
The “Fact”: He had a supernatural birth
According to North Korean historical literature, Kim Jong Il was born in a log cabin inside a secret base on Korea’s most sacred mountain, Mt. Paekdu. At the moment of his birth, a bright star lit up the sky, the seasons spontaneously changed from winter to spring, and rainbows appeared. This contradicts way less interesting Western accounts of his birth, which state the dictator was born in a guerilla camp in Russia, while his father was on the run from the Japanese.
9Fashion Forward
The “Fact”: He is a fashion trendsetter
According to North Korea’s newspaper Rodong Sinmun, Kim Jong Il’s iconic style has become a global phenomenon. The inspired look of his zipped up khaki tunics with matching pants has been spreading across the world, an obvious testament to his outstanding image and influence. The paper didn’t mention the popularity of the 4 inch platform shoes Kim wears, but his oversized shades definitely seem to be a big hit with the women of Hollywood.
8Loved the World Over
The “Fact”: The world loves him
According to state-run media, Kimg Jong Il is the most prominent statesman in the present world, and people in countries the whole planet over celebrate his birthday with films and festivals. In reality, most nations are confused by his erratic foreign policy decisions on important issues such as N. Korea’s nuclear program.
7Ratburgers
The “Fact”: He invented the hamburger
Since any American influences have long since been banned in his tiny communist country, Kim Jong Il had no choice but to create some new non-Western food by himself. North Korean newspaper Minju Joson reported that Kim Jong Il invented a new sandwich called “double bread with meat” in an attempt to provide “quality” food to university students. He then built a plant capable of mass hamburger production to feed his students and teachers, despite the fact that the majority of his citizens battle famine on a daily basis.
6Golfing Glory
The “Fact”: He is the best natural golfer in history
In 1994, it was reported by Pyongyang media outlets that Kim Jong Il shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course – including 5 holes in one! That score is 25 shots better than the best round in history, and is made even more amazing by the fact that it was his first time playing the sport. It’s said Kim Jong Il would routinely sink 3 or 4 holes in one per round of golf, and – lucky for the PGA – he has since given it up.
5Addiction
The Fact: If he gets addicted to a drug, everyone else does too
According to a book written by one of Kim Jong Il’s ex-staff members, he was once injured by falling off his horse when it slipped on loose rocks. He was afraid of becoming addicted to the painkillers that his doctors prescribed him, so he had members of his administrative staff injected daily with the same dosages he had to take. He did this so he wouldn’t be the only one hooked on the drug.
4In the Movies
The Fact: He once kidnapped a prominent director to film a Godzilla ripoff for him
Shin Sang-ok, a South Korean filmmaker, was kidnapped by Kim Jong Il, sent to prison, and eventually forced to make a film called Pulgasari that was basically a communist propaganda version of Godzilla. After Shin and his wife managed to escape North Korea while location scouting in Austria, Kim Jong Il shelved Pulgasari and all of Shin’s other work. Kim Jong Il has since given specific instruction to his Ministry of Culture and his communist filmmakers: “Make more cartoons.”
3Hitler Much?
The Fact: He had disabled and short people deported from his capital
In preparation for the World Festival of Youth and Students in 1989, Kim Jong Il had disabled residents removed from Pyongyang. The government also distributed pamphlets advertising a wonder drug that would increase the height of short people. Those who responded to the pamphlets were sent away to different uninhabited islands along with the disabled in an attempt to rid the next generation of their supposedly substandard genes.
2Great Booze
The Fact: At one time was the world’s biggest buyer of Hennessy
For a few years in the early 1990s, it was confirmed by Hennessy that Kim Jong Il was it’s best customer, spending about $600,000 to $850,000 annually on the liquor. He is partial to the Paradis cognac, which can sell for over $700 per bottle. In comparison, the average North Korean makes about $1000 per year.
1City of Dreams
The Fact: He maintains a city that was built just to be looked at
Kijong-Dong is a propaganda city that was originally built in the 1950s by Kim Jong Il’s father right on the border, this was to display the North’s superiority to the South and also to encourage people to defect. It has no actual residents, but an extensive effort has been put forth to simulate a functioning city, including lights on set timers, and street sweepers to create an illusion of activity. The use of modern telescopes has revealed that the units lack window glass, and some buildings are just concrete shells that don’t even have interior rooms. The city also houses the world’s largest flagpole, complete with a 300lb. North Korean flag.
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25 Foods You’ll Never Be Able To Eat Again.
Original article here.
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1. Crispy M&Ms
Met its tragic, untimely death in the United States in 2005.
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2. Pepsi Blue
Discontinued in the US and Canada in 2004.
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3. French Toast Crunch
Ripped from grocery store shelves in the US in 2006.
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4. Butterfinger BBs
Finished its impressive run in 2006.
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5. Sprite Remix
Entered the grocery store of the great beyond in 2005.
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6. Surge
The Coca-Cola Company ruined soda forever when they discontinued this fine beverage in 2003.
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7. Magic Middles
The turbulent mid-90's took these delicious treats from our needy hands.
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8. Ecto Cooler
Despite initially being simply a movie tie-in for 1984's Ghostbusters, Ecto Cooler disappeared in 2001, forever ruining the contents of your lunchbox.
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9. 3D Doritos
Apparently the world wasn't ready for 3D snacks in the mid 2000's, and so this product ended its run all too early. I blame Avatar.
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10. Crystal Pepsi
This great experiment in color was discontinued in 1993.
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11. Squeezits
General Mills ruined snack-time forever in 2001.
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12. Waffle Crisp
Has all but disappeared in recent years.
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13. Oreo O's
The most delicious cereal of all time met its end in 2007. Except in South Korea!
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14. PB Crisps
As the Planters Wikipedia article (very trustworthy) states, these goodies were “discontinued for being too delicious.”
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15. Four Loko
The Man killed Four Loko in 2011. RIP FUN.
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16. Josta
The first energy drink ever apparently ran out of fuel in 1999.
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17. Uh-Oh Oreos
Apparently the product has since been rebranded in 2007… but it will never be the same.
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18. Wonder Balls
What's inside a wonder ball? Magic. And Nestle killed magic in 2004.
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19. PB Max
Discontinued sometime in the 90's because the Mars family didn't like peanut butter. Seriously.
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20. Orbitz
This ground breaking soft drink/floating dots hybrid met its end in 1997. Who cares if it tasted bad, it looked so DAMN COOL.
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21. Mountain Dew Black/Livewire
Despite popular DEWmand, these drinks disappeared in 2004, and more recently in 2011. But if you prefer to make your mouth black in other ways, theres Indulgence electronic cigarette!.
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22. Apple Fig Newtons
These delicious treats have disappeared without much warning in recent years.
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23. Gatorade Gum
Gatorade was the first to learn that drinks and gum don't mix so well in the late 90's.
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24. Heinz EZ Squirt
There is something just so damn awesome about colorful condiments. Or maybe just so damn gross. Either way, barf ketchup was discontinued in 2006.
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25. The Supersize
Phased out of the McDonalds menu in 2004. Just once, just one more time, I'd like to say those wonderful words. And then puke.
What foods would you give your soul to have back, Xanga?
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"Living in Gratitude." Day 5.
Alcohol - It makes both you and I have more fun, more balls, and look absolutely phenomenal at the bar. Hello, ladies.
The Office, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Family Guy - Currently my three favorite shows to watch, and can always watch reruns of them without complaint.
One of my favorite skits of Always Sunny in Philadelphia.My Asian metabolism - I gloat about it now but once I hit 40, I'll be looking like Buddha in no time.
Tiramisu - My favorite dessert. If you know how to make this fairly simple dessert, you can have my hand in marriage.
JUST PLUG IT INTO MY VEINS!
Outdoor jacuzzis during winter - There's really no feeling like it. The cold air nipping at your bare shoulders while the hot water keeps your balls from shooting up your stomach. It's like a battle of two forces but in the end you're left in an amazingly relaxed state. Almost as good as being signed by the LA Lakers, then having the trade nullified last second. -
"Living in Gratitude." Day 4.
What on earth am I doing home on a Friday night writing on Xanga? That sheet Kray!
My car - Not only does it help deter chicks but it's terrible on gas. Wait, why am I grateful for it again?
Girls are jelly of my ride.My wristwatches - I've always worn one ever since I was in 5th grade. I also wear it on my right hand, despite being right handed. SMUDGING EVERYWHERE!
I don't always wear watches, but when I do, I wear an entire collection.Deep fried foods - Anything deep-fried is amazing. If I could deep-fry Pamela Anderson's left boob, I would! Don't look at me like that!
Pirated movies and video games - I don't think I've paid for a music CD in almost 10 years. And if you work for the FBI and are watching this...*cross fingers* I'm totally kidding.
Make up - Not for me, nor am I being a male chauvinistic pig. But girls would agree, makeup changes their life and gives them confidence. Confidence for creeps like me to stare at.
Alcohol, it does wonders.What are you grateful for?
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