May 20, 2010
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Food From Past Generations Is Pretty Much Horrible.
It’s easy to look back on things from days gone by and call them weird, but that isn’t always fair. Social norms are always changing, for example, so maybe an old woman shouting into a pair of slacks isn’t a sign of mental deficiency but rather a tradition that society has since deemed “really kind of weird.”
Food is a similar issue. Technology has improved so much over the decades that people no longer have to settle for eating gruel. What we consider strange was revolutionary at the time, but I can’t help but think that some of these are the result of someone in R&D losing a bet.
Lard
I don’t know these people personally, but I can pretty much guarantee lard isn’t the reason they’re smiling. Somehow, I just don’t see anyone shoveling a spoonful of lard into his or her mouth and describing the ensuing emotion as “happy.” Lard Information Council, I am suspicious of your ability to tell the truth. Has eating lard ever been associated with anything other than obesity? Why does eating something that ultimately amounts to fat create such happiness in these people? Where did that woman’s arms go? Only the Lard Information Council knows, and they’re too busy spreading their mistruths about happiness to reveal the answers we seek.
Mayonnaise Cake
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bitten into a birthday cake and thought to myself, “Hmm, needs more mayonnaise.” If this is Mrs. Filbert’s idea of a product innovation, then clearly there aren’t many brain cells hiding behind that beautiful, sexy smile of hers.
Squeez-A-Meal.
I don’t know how one goes about squeezing a picnic, but I’m pretty sure I heard about it that one time I wandered too close to the adult movie section at my local Blockbuster. It’s mind-boggling that squeeze cheese still exists in the modern day. I propose that we use this ad as a warning to future generations.
Oscar Mayer Sack O’ Sauce in a Can O’ Meat
Hot dogs in a can is a pretty bad idea in and of itself. Add in a “sack o’ sauce,” and you’ve instantly triggered my gag reflex. Also, note that the sack o’ sauce is packaged directly next to the wieners, meaning it’ll be covered in pork slime when you pull it out. Sorry, Oscar Mayer, but all the O’s in the world can’t trick me into thinking this is a cute dinner idea. (image source)
Tuna Soufflé
“Flavor only yeast can give?” Really, that’s your main selling point? The delicate flavor of YEAST? I’m sorry, but tuna barely has any business being in mysoufflés . Baking it into a soufflé and trying to mask the flavor with a bunch of yeast is hardly going to get me excited about this new autumn innovation. (image source)
The Meat Briefcase
Modeled after a hungry man’s toolkit, this ingenious product stuffs 19 different types of pork sausage into a single briefcase. As you can see, many of the meats are shaped to resemble the average household tool – from hammers and screwdrivers to wrenches and drill bits. Obviously, the idea of encasing cured meats in a novelty plastic case is pretty disgusting. (image source)
Prune Party
Nice try, prune conglomerates, but your product will NEVER be welcome at a kid’s birthday party. I’ve seen some pretty stale marketing attempts to increase the cool factor and hipness of a product, but this ad takes the mayonnaise-flavored cake. Prunes, you’ve already got the constipation market cornered – can’t that be enough?
Fish Loaf
The “loaf” is perhaps the most unappetizing food form that a meat can be in. Of course, meatloaf can serve as a passable and edible meal if done correctly. However, something about baking fish into a form that resembles a giant congealed brick just doesn’t sit right with me. (image source)
Spam spread
Let’s make one thing clear: meat should never, EVER be spreadable. I mean, just look at that pasty amassment of imitation meat. It looks like regurgitated baby food. And, nice try Spam, but the classy garnishments you added to the top of each sandwich aren’t doing anything to kick-start my appetite. (image source)
Pork party
Let’s face it, pork advertisers have an uphill battle. Marketing a product best known as the “other white meat” isn’t exactly easy. However, giving a bunch of penis-shaped pork sausages to a bunch of kids playing outside in the sprinklers is NOT the way to wet my appetite. Here’s a little piece of advice, pork people: keep the pork on the plate and off of my lawn. (image source)
Spam and limas
Spam makes the list an impressive second time with this horrendous dinner idea. How do you make a canned meat product (that you can eat cold or hot) even less appetizing? Why, pile on the lima beans, of course! Looking at the picture, it’s beyond me why this “inspiring” dinner creation never caught on. (image source)
Body Building Dishes for Children
Okay, despite a slightly conspicuous title, this recipe book doesn’t appear outwardly gross at first glance. However, if you leaf through the pages, you’ll realize this recipe book is less of a meal planner and more of a children’s torture device. Inside, you’ll find such kid-friendly recipes as liver and potato pie, creamed salmon hominy grit ring, stuffed hearts, cabbage cooked in milk and stuffed vegetable marrow. Mm-Mmm! Now that’s what I call good eats!
Ribs in a Can
Put any meat in a can and it instantly becomes a a terrible dinner idea. However, for some reason ribs in a can seems exponentially more disgusting than canned ham or meatballs. Can you imagine popping open a metal tin and letting a mass of room-temperature meat and bones slide onto your plate? No wonder Armour isn’t around any more. (image source)
Tapeworms
Yes, there was a time in history when people intentionally ingested parasites for dietary purposes. Don’t worry, though, because the tapeworms in this stand-up product were sanitized and jar-packed for freshness – so, you know, bottoms up! Side note: Wow – that lady sure likes to eat. If you’re packing away that much food, I think you need more help than a simple tapeworm can supply.
Comments (493)
Mmm! Delish!
yep moms depend on getting porked. hoorah
I want a meat briefcase...And mothers do need pork. -_^
@ShimmerBodyCream -
Marry moi?
Om nom nom nom
I knew it. Someone just had to come up with tape worms for weight loss to make up for all that lard they used to fry things in, make bisquits, make cakes, make pie dough, and, yes, even to spread on sandwiches. *SHUDDER* But the mayonaise/salad dressing cake is actual pretty good. You use the mayonaise instead of eggs from the carton - bearing in mind that mayonaise is made of whole eggs that have been whipped with a little bit of oil and either vinegar or lemon juice. Either way, if you add that to chocolate, it enriches the chocolate flavor - makes it darker chocolate and the cake extra moist. You taste rich chocolate, not mayonaise. I know this because my grandmother is famous for it and has given me the recipe. The rest of that stuff is pretty disgusting though.
My family still makes mayo cakes!!! They actually aren't as bad as you think they are. And the tapeworm thing is still around too! It was on 1000 Ways to Die on Spike TV!!!
You know what would be really gross is if people started eating fish meat raw. Though maybe such a dish would seem more palatable if it were artistically arranged on the plate and sculpted into bite sized pieces combined with rice, sea weed or other ingredients. In fact, it might even become a modern day culinary trend.
*vomit*
My mom loves spam spread. It's alright to me.
..but tapeworms?
sooo gross. haha i dont know whether to laugh or be disgusted.
The meat in the briefcase almost made me gag. Yuck.
I think the meat briefcase made me permanently lose my appetite, and a I love a good steak.
the tapeworm ad says "no diet, no baths, no exercise"
why wouldn't people take baths? lmao hahaha
and that spam spread makes me wanna hurl
gack!
LOL!
where they hell did you find this?!
spam-a-licious
I agree with everything except Spam. I mean, Spam and lima beans is a no-no. Ditto to spreadable Spam. But Spam sliced and fried up with eggs and rice is soooo good. Spam musubi is one of my favorites, as well. Yum!
Somehow... this hasn't managed to make me NOT HUNGRY.
O_o
this is an anti-nom
UGH @ tapeworms! they're so nasty. & LOL @ the meat briefcase, like wtf?!
omgosh the spam spread sounds SOOO nastyyy...
I am sooo hungry right now...just not for any of that crap!!!
The 60's (these products are from then, right? or somewhere rather close) had one or two cool things: the music of Elvis Presley and OK, maybe of Bobby Vee.
Between you and I, I'm sure Elvis was fat not because of his drug problem but because of eating lard and pork. Like, totally!!11
lol at the meat case
I would love the spam spread YUM !
briefcase looks like a box of poo
:O
very amusing. the tuna souffle, spreadable spam, meat briefcase and tapeworm got me. om nom nom nom nom.
spam spread was the working man's pate...
Oh dear.
o_o FISH LOAF?! Blargh! Spam and Lima beans...friggin Spam Spread...D= yuck.
Wow, no wonder we have obesity problems in the U.S. Thanks to inherited gastronomical issues, diseases, and more from eating all this shit. Nasty.
Your new profile pic is hot btw.
Heck, I love spam. The rest of that crap you can toss!
i was hungry before i read this
I think some of them actually look good. Like The Tuna souffle and The Ribs in a can. Can't imagine how they taste though.
This just made my entire day. ^_^
lol...great post...the last one got me...
it rubs the tuna on!
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Great pictures! When food processing came into the picture it was almost like a miracle. It saved women lots of time while cooking. However, we see such a great threat in food processing today. Everything from contamination, preservatives, additives, harmful pesticides, and increased obesity with our fast food nation.
A hundred years from now, I will bet that home cooked meals made possible from the local farmer will be in fashion again. Children will be forced to snap their own peas, cut carrots, and God knows what else.
From what I know, Spam is like Hawaii's national food.
You just don't stop thinking about food do you?
@UR_MUSE -
that would be the end of humanity, i'm sure! Especially if there were a dish set aside filled with the extracted sauce of fermented soybeans to dip in. GROSS!
mmmmuust stop from vomitting. uhhh...
Sure do know how to make a girl lose here lunch.
Tape worms? really?
And a can of ribs...
My grandpa had this last ad in his toolshop bathroom. XD
Now I'm really hungry
Ridiculous story there. What occurred after? Good luck!
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