November 18, 2004

  • Xanga Investigation: The Yellow Ribbons Conspiracy

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    It's almost impossible
    to drive down a busy street without spotting one these. If you're from
    New York, you'll see even more. As American men and women continue to
    lay down their lives every day in the war with Iraq, yellow ribbons can
    be seen popping up like penis' in a porn video in towns and cities all
    across the United States. This is a phenomenon many can recall from the
    Gulf War of 1991, when similar decorations adorned tree trunks, front
    doors and lapel pins until the troops came home from the battlefield.

    But
    one day while sitting passenger-side with my Christian friend, I
    noticed something peculiar about the aforementioned ribbons--a passing
    car had planted his ribbon lopsided. With further staring, it had
    struck me! "THIS IS ALL A MASSIVE SUBLIMNAL PROPAGANDA MESSAGE!" I
    yelled to my friend who almost veered us off a road due to my sudden
    "eureka." Now, before you go and ask what I was smoking when I said
    this, allow me to voice myself. My art teacher (who I hate to this
    date) once said something I will never forget because it holds true for
    the most part. He said, "As an artist, you see things differently, you
    view objects abnormally, and over-analyze sometimes. You can find
    details that many cannot." So true.

    Now, back to my theory.
    The ribbons at first glance seem innocent to the naked eye. But, with
    that one crooked ribbon, it sparked a whole different view. My friend
    Justin, who is Christian-raised, sees this as a “crazy idea.” I say
    he’s just biased, and I’m sure many of my Christian readers will think
    like my friend. Allow my cheesy Photoshop skills to progress further:

    Do you
    see it? If you’re not a Christian, allow me to inform you. As an
    Agnostic, I am only able to expand so much with my knowledge from a
    fellow Christian. The picture you above in “figure b” is a universal
    icon well-known to Christians. It’s a fish, which I believe
    is related to a biblical story. What does that mean? Either one of
    three things:

    1. The Christian Organization is subliminally
      brainwashing us to fall into their trap (not that this religion is bad,
      it’s just shady of them. GOD WOULD NOT APPROVE!).
    2. Since our president practices this religion
      heavily, it would not surprise me if he’s getting support from the
      Christian organization to promote them somehow.
    3. Gorton’s Fisherman, a big seafood business that most likely supported Bush with funds.
    4. So by extension, since the AIDS ribbon is the same shape, the gays must be supporting Christianity too. Scandalous indeed!

    Perhaps I’m being too
    analytical about this, or perhaps I’ve nothing to do than to become a
    tad bit sacrilegious. But if the American people can easily buy into
    extraterrestrial abductions on “Fake Town, USA,” what makes this theory
    any less irrelevant?

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