January 29, 2006

  • Plantains + Asians + Wine = Super confused people.

    Mixing
    various cultures within another is disastrous. The melting pot theory
    can only go so far. Take for example, the latest social gathering. Plantains,
    a well-known South American snack of fried "bananas." I use that term
    loosely because they taste nothing like one, more like a potato
    squeezed inside a metallic condom (My imagery has been lacking as of
    late, I know). They are then deep-fried until crisp, lightly salted,
    and flattened for a potato chip-like look. Mmm...and all I had to
    endure was four hot oil splashes to my iris.

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    I see people--Asian people. Many Asian people.

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    Step one: Peel. Probably the most important and obvious step. Nobody likes hard, undercooked, and bitter plantain chips.

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    Step two:
    Frying. After you've cut the plantains (skinned) into 1 inch peices,
    it's time to get to the fun part--frying. Be careful not to scald
    yourself, or look too closely because if your pan spits out a boiling
    hot blast of oil into your eye, you can join Ray Charles soon after.

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    Step Three: Resting.
    Sure, you can attempt to pick these babies up right after lifting them
    from 400F boiling oil, but I value my sense of touch, and so should
    you. Let them cool for about 2-3 minutes before handling. This also
    allows any excess oil to drip down; for all you lard-arses out there,
    this one's for you.

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    Step Four: Mashy
    Smashy. What's a chip/crisps (for my European readers) without it being
    flat like an Asian female? A round french fry, that's what! Take out
    that hammer your dad never used (that lazy bum) and whack away. Make
    sure the plantains don't go flying all over the place, or you're going
    to have a "step five": vacuuming.

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    One bottle for me, one glass for you, one bottle for me, one glass for you...

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    Cute? Nah, don't get too attached, it was that night's dinner.

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    FLASH!


    Degrading Sports Photo of the Day

    http://xb0.xanga.com/8b3b05466103331882516/b22194781.jpg
    "Hey, at least your jersey won't stain"

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