March 26, 2006
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How to argue effectively
I
argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument
on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of
me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even
invite me. You too can win arguments.
Simply follow these rules:Drink liquor.
Suppose
you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking
some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back,
afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your
date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have
STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of
information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and
possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave
the room.Make things up.
Suppose,
in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that
YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch
of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is
$836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If
an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too.
Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the
Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say
this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your
soiled underwear in my bathroom."
Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.Memorize this list:
- Let me put it this way
- In terms of
- Vis-a-vis
- Per se
- As it were
- Qua
- Ipso facto
- Ergo
- So to speak
You
should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.",
and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say,
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
have enough money."You never win arguments talking like that.
But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of
appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order
them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se,
as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. Q.E.D." Only a fool would
challenge that statement.Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?This
last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and
policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.You say: Since the discovery of the incandescent light bulb...
Your opponent says: The light bulb is an invention.
You say: Well DUH!Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This
is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly
do remind me of Adolf Hitler." By Stuart J. Williams, Attorney at Law.
Degrading Sports Photos of the Day
"OH! I think I broke a nail!"
Grabbing for each other's ... yeah...
Comments (147)
DONE!
FIRST!!!
haha. vis-a-vis.
Good tips.
Haha. Funny.
If you can't convince them, confuse them! I like it.
I've read some of that. I think it's really spread among intellectuals, like my old math teacher..
I don't like arguing very much. Call me weak, but it's not fun nor is it worthwhile to just argue for the sake of winning. Don't argue, discuss. Don't win, discover.
Wait, wait... Doesn't "e.g." mean "example given," and "i.e." mean "in example"?
Hmmm.... Suspiciously like Hitler.
I am going to try your tips the next I'm at some retarded honor society function. I usually go with, "YOURRRRRRR MOM!" However, your mom only works if you are truly drunk, hahaa.
I <3 you and your ignorant argument tips.
i take it that you've had heavy experience in this subject area. =]
12th Komment!!!!
Stuart J. Williams... who the hell is He???
you forgot to add the "yo mama!" tactic.
*taking notes.
printing this page.
i like your rules a lot better than what my debate/speech teacher gave us.
Brilliant!
ok done taking notes.
ryc:
I wish it were that easy to fly back home.
yea i'll take the photo down. depressing isn't it?
If that doesn't work, bust out the aikido!
Everyone's always comparing me to Hitler...and I'm Jewish, dammit!
Umm... best post, as it were, EVER?
Genius ... I knew most of these, but this will be helpful, haha.
next time someone starts to argue with me I'll use that...what is Darko doing in that picture?...did the Magic finally put him in for more than 4 min?
Brilliant.
do you speak Latin?
WHOA! this is gunna be good for my debate`s. (= thank`s dude!
HAHHAHAAH you hilarious ball of fun
haha thats hilarious.
now if i could only remember that.. =[
i must memorize this!
Awesome or you could slash them with your samurai sword!
Let me put it this way. You made me laugh a lot, ergo you are one amusing guy! I laughed to tears, so to speak. i. e. ROTFL
Hahaha. You're brilliant.
haha i'll make sure to use these
Hehe. When all else fails, Compare to Hitler. I like your touch...
Excellent! You've just written Politicians for Dummies!
I shall put your wise advice to good use. We shall see if I pass my opinion paper in a few weeks. 
say the most absurd thing possible and do not yield to logic. just stand by what's being said. that's the asian way
that is amazing. i think im actually gonna use these.
what school do you go to?
I love to argue.
ur wrong i'm right!
simple genius
This is hilarious. Makes me wonder about those loud-mouths in parties, now. Oh, don't forget "expo facto" and "in lieu," too.
i'd have to say this is one of my favorite posts you've written thus far.
well.. basic knowledge and common sense also works..
dude, reggae rocks
comparing the opponent to adolf hitler?
ima start doing that.
next party... =)
HOLY SHIT. THIS IS A GOLDMINE OF RAW GENIUS. thanks again caka! =D
lol. cheers to drinking.
hahaha. the schedule of models is random at school. but next batch will be just for you... old, unfit women.
Didn't you just take http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Stage/4209/Jokes/f6.html verbatim?
thanks i'm gonna use these phrases for my essay in the in-house SATs tomorrow!
I'm sure the debate team will benefit greatly from this lesson.
This is quite possibly the greatest advice column-esque piece I've ever read.
But anyone could win an argument talking like that unless they knew you made it up!
haha thanks for the argument tips
ipso facto
I never got "vis-a-vis".....x_x
Maybe you should be in politics; a lot of our congressmen over here sound like that... :p
Dude you copy and paste this whole post http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-winargs.html
good ideas man
hahaha..i'm taking notes~!
attn: all those "didn't you just copy this from (insert url)," please read the whole post before you assume things and make a complete fool of yourselves. heck, I'll even italicize it just for your convenience.
Thanks. Now, I'm sure all the readers who read this comment will specifically look for those who said the aforementioned comment--good job asses, try again.
Wactha talkin bout? I see it...
Why do I have a feeling that's your xanga?
nice tips. lol. i might just have to use a few of those. ^_^
-*sammi*-
LMAO...
Oh, but I beg to differ.
Gosh you're so linear, what the hell?
Exempli Gratia, Id Est < /nerd>
you are a vast library of disinformation. thanks!
i completely and unequivocally disagree with every line of the aforementioned statements. please pay attention while i tick off, one by one, all of the futile and erroneous items you have thus displayed!
at one time, i could out word and out argue using worthless and uneeded points. i was planning on a career in politics, so it was useful. ( i need a shower now admitting that)
hehe. well done.
suspiciously, i use similar phrases when i argue. they usually are more like,
"you're being irrational"
"that's irrelevant"
"that may be true, but you haven't presented any evidence to support that claim"
"if you know anything about economics"
i wish i could use "you're begging the question" for real someday. but usually the only people who do that are christians. and that's when they are being really stupid and saying, "Well God has to exist, because he wrote the bible and the bible is god's word....and whatever God says is true. And the bible says he exists...so he MUST"
concordantly!
i just make loads of crap up too.. nice.
Lol nice tips. I'll be sure to use 'em
wow... does that actually work?
isn't the ultimate rebuttal, God? Because God says so?
i am smrt when drunck
pppprops !
Man, I hope you were on your high school debate team.
hehe i am good at arguing tooo
especially with sprint
even when its my fault for the additional $50 of charges, i argue for about 2o minutes and in the end i get my credit...
MUHAHAHHAHA
by the way, how long have you grown your hair for?
"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. Q.E.D." -hahahahahahahah
we are all goign to sound like nerds after reading this post =]
lmao! brilliant! brilliant! : p
Puhahaha. Why can't I be more smart like you? How long will it take me to learn your craft?
good!
and one question: how long have you been growing your hair?
hahah that is hilarious because I've actually used a few tips there myself in the past... And these pointers are unbelievably effective here in China, since most of the populus would have no idea what you're talking about in the first place cause it's not in their red textbooks to begin with.. So anything you say goes... It's sad but wonderful at the same time...
Maybe I'm just mean... Who knows.
Most illuminating. I shall remember to employ these methods everywhere. Oh wait, I already do! I also like to sprinkle the phrase Habeas Corpus into my arguments as well as in. "Yes many have suspected me with regards to his/her disappearance but habeas corpus? NO!
But this begs the question,
Can you pick up women? If you come to my site and watch my latest video, you'll certainly have a better chance of doing just that.
LOL, if only i could give more than two eprops for this
hahahaa....
Love it.
Haha.. everyone always try to beat you on making the first comment..
vis-avis, just ask the wachowski brothers!
Saw your site on the featured page and it caught my attn. bc I can not argue to save me. I start off good and then before I know im rambling and repeating myself until finally I just stop talking. Now if im really mad and that takes a lot...I will at least get my 2 cents in before the rambling starts..lmao.
Great post.....Mary
these are the exact principles my intellectually driven yet popular and irritating at the same time of a brother seems to have worked on in the past years of his growing up into a sodding 15 year old.
it just makes me happy that i've beat him from time to time. we're on an equal level, i must say.
shit, that makes me more or less the same.
bloody hell.
simply being a woman can help you win an argument as well.
Have to remember those ... if you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em ...
don't forget "apropos"
I will use these methods at my next dinner party. If I don't get invited back, I will attribute that to my superior arguing skills learned from you.
"Let me put it this way. In terms of posts vis-a-vis CaKaLusa qua CakaLusa, you have helped a lot of peoples' arguing skills, so to speak, but there is not enough props per se to give to you, as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. Q.E.D."
Lol.
well i guess that would work...anyways hit me up
jessi
That just made my day!
beautiful tips on improving one's argumentative tactics.
thank you cakalusa for enhancing my disputatious side.
lol, great advice....i'm taking notes!
how you make me happy lol
"Hence" is also a good one...
hahahaha! hahahahahahaha! if someone argues with me that way, i'm gonna walk out on him/her because of irritation, but not because i accept all his/her points.
but, i wouldnt argue anymore, i'd go straight to violence.
why did you expose my secrets in why I did well on my papers?
let me put it this way, you're begging for a lawsuit.
this is your funniest post ever. Ever. So to speak.
Damn boy u look good to bad i already got a man there's hiz pic
O Right here
"Objection!"
My stomach hurts from laughing.
where do you come up with this shit lol better yet, where do you find the time to come up with this?
hey damn you is fine. i like your site your hot.well ttyl peace
add me as a friend plzzz ashley
hahaha hilarious
it's all about the confidence, lol even if what you're saying is complete b.s.
haha. thx for the advice. i've always stuck with hard evidence, but it doesn't work on stubborn people despite me having convinced everyone else
I LOL'ed and Rofl'ed! Thanks... I not only wanna use these tips, but can I post your blog story on a forum i go to? They REALLY need this! =)))
that's luuuurve, baby.
This will save me so much research for my paper... just make it all up. Well, I B.S. most of my work anyway, so it's not much of a departure, is it...?
http://www.krannert.purdue.edu/faculty/rau/funny/argue.htm
http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/books/845/argue.htm#
I've read this article before... someone is pulling a Gucci Man!
You should be ashamed, Cakalusa. Utterly ashamed.
Psshhha, nevermind. I just saw that you gave credit. All is well.
Wat up doh? Holla atcha gurl
pure hilarity!
DO THIS ITS SOO FREAKY
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most people aren't sure of what they really want in life.
I received this letter from a friend on the computer, did what it told me to, and within a week, everything I had wished came true!! Here's an exact copy, this really works!!!!
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1. To yourself, say the name of the only guy or girl you wanna be with 3 times!
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2. Think of something you wanna accomplish within the next week and say it to your self
6
times!!
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3. If you had 1 wish what would it be? say it to yourself 9 times!!!
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4. Think of something that you want to happen between you and that 1special person and say it to your self 12 times!!!
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5. Now, heres the hard part! Pick only 1 of these wishes and as you scroll down focus and concentrate on it and think on nothing else but that wish.
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Now make one last &final wish about that one wish
that you picked.
After reading this, you have 1 hour to send it out to 15 people, and what you wished for will come true within in one week!
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u only get one chance!!!!! Now scroll down and think of your crush!!!
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Keep going
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Keep going
Keep
going
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you think of your crush? I hope so, that was
your last chance. Now pay very close attention this important message!
Sorry but once read, must be sent. Yes, this is one of those kinda chain
letters that everyone hates. This one has been going since 1863 and if you break this chain, you will pay!!!!!! Remember that after hearing
these stories.
First Example:
Take Barbra Wallace.. She was a pretty lucky girl, up till she got this same chain letter. She had a crush on the same kid since kindergarden. when she got this mail she didn't pay any attention to it. She just thought, no big deal. And deleted it. The next day her dad got fired and her mom dies in a car crash. If she would have sent the letter none of that would have happened and her mom would be alive.
Second Example:
Try Freddie D. Now Freddie D. was your average nerd. Had glasses, was short and chubby, was in gifted. All the signs of your total dork. He also received this letter and sent it to 51 people in the hour. Now, like Barbra, he had a crush on a girl since 3rd grade. The next day after sending the chain the girl confessed her love for him ever since 3rd grade. Freddie D. finally had the courage to ask her out, and of course, she had been waiting to yes to that for years. They grew up and married each other to live happily forever.
Third Example:
Now if you couldn't relate to the others, this'll get ya hooked. Listen to this. A kid named Jordan Johnson was just getting on AOL to check his mail. He was a quiet kid, not that popular but not a geek either. he was just normal. He saw he had mail from his friend. It was this exact letter. Now Jordan Johnsen was a smart kid and he knew what could happen if he didnt pass it on. He simply pulled a few friends from his buddy list and sent it along. The next day, about that same time, he got a phone call. It said he had won the lottery! then his dad came home and bought him a new bike! His mom bought him Nintendo64 and play station! His grandmother sent him a new computer, and his best friend gave him tickets to the concert he wanted to go to, Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit! Then he inherited a brand-new tv from his aunt! He was goin' wild! the next day his secret crush asked him out, and they have been going out ever since.
Now, you heard the stories.
I know which person i'd rather be, but thats up to you. I wouldn't wanna end up like Barbra but thats only me. We all want what we cant have but now's ur chance to go out with that special somebody ur waiting for. Take it or leave it. If you send this to-
1 person- you will lose all luck in ur love
life.....forever!!!!!
10 people- your crush will say they like you as a
friend......ONLY!!!!!
15 people- your crush will say they like you
20 people- your crush will ask you out!
25 people- your crush will kiss you!!
Posted 3/24/2006 at 8:26 PM by xXmIzZuSedxX
<TABLE class=blogbody cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=1 width="100%" border=0> <TBODY> <TR> <TD width="5%"> <TD vAlign=top> DO THIS ITS SOO FREAKY
scroll down
down
down
most people aren't sure of what they really want in life.
I received this letter from a friend on the computer, did what it told me to, and within a week, everything I had wished came true!! Here's an exact copy, this really works!!!!
lol
Funniest thing I've read today....*still smiling*......just love it!!
Candy
I'm impressed.
You Are really cute and i bet you got a girl as sexy as u r
your cute
LMAO this is great, i haven't laughed so hard in forever. awesome post man!
ahh now i know
have you ever seen the office?
well, the british version.
the guy talks like that (ergo, ipso facto)
and its hilarious.
Hahahha this is a great post caka.. almost like something that you'd read in an email forwarded by a jackass coworker.
Great tips, and they work, too! Especially the alcohol trick, no one challenges a raging drunk, unless they're stupid.
hahaha great tips. here's one for you: my friend and i figured out that a simple "Touché" will silence anyone, no matter how improperly used.
lol those are great
what are you parameters? wahahaha...that's great one! if someone were to ask me that i'd seriously be like "wtf?!?"
YOU sound suspiciously like Hitler lol
Very good. Now I can win every argument with the greatest of ease.
i'd most probably find you very annoying.
hey whatup! u should vist my xanga site is is chrissy_mia well im out talk to u late
Hilarious photos. Even funnier article. Great site, keep it up.
Dave Berry.
DING DING...LLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!
You're right about the "parameters."
Qua
haha
great list
great tips
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