June 1, 2009

  • The Girl Scouts Are Trying To Kill Us!

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    Behind those cute skirts, french berets and angelic eyes with honorable intentions lie death and pure evil. I speak of the Girl Scouts of America. They're here for only one reason: to kill us all.

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    Just two cookies? Helloooooooo, cardiologist!

    My brother brought home some Girl Scout cookies the other day, including Samosas and Tagalongs. I took a bite from the box of Samosas and like I usually do, began reading the nutritional facts. Have you ever read the artery-clogging ingredients? The first one is sugar and the second one is partially hydrogenated oil (trans fats). Perfect for your diet, right?

    INGREDIENTS:
    SUGAR, VEGETABLE SHORTENING (CONTAINS ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING OILS: PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED SOYBEAN, PALM KERNEL, COCONUT, PALM AND/OR COTTONSEED)...

    Of course if you read the label it says it has 0 trans fats. Not to mention they are now $4 a box. Am I the only one concerned that this is how they choose to raise funds? I'm all for supporting the Girl Scouts but isn't there a better way like working the corners or donating kidneys? Girl Scouts are trying to kill you.

    Nutritional facts for Samosas
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    You wanna know what also shares similar fat and caloric content?

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    That's right. Chicken freakin-McNuggets. Girl Scouts are trying to kill you.

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    We're talking about four nuggets here compared to two cookies. And with nuggets, at least you get some protein in you (this is for all your muscle heads out there).

    If you keep eating these, you'll look like a Samoa. /rimshot

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    OM NOM NOM NOM!

    A 2004 article in the San Francisco Chronicle notes that FDA and medical researchers agree trans fats are "the most dangerous fat in the human diet." At the time the Girl Scouts' spokeswoman acknowledged the need for healthier alternatives in their cookies, then claimed that "We're fast-tracking that ourselves."

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    Their typical scheme of playing nice, but what they really want is your wallet...and your soul.

    Wait. Apparently there's more to the story. I must admit, it's worth every heart attack I get later in life. They' re freakin' delicious. I just can't get over the fact that these Girl Scouts are trying to kill you.


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