April 21, 2011

  • My Run in with the Police.
    Based on a true story. Well, duh!

    I should be sleeping at this hour (written at 2AM), but this story is way too epic to hold onto, and I'll end up forgetting most of it when I wake up. So I just got dropped off by a police officer moments ago. You hear that, ladies? A cop car. Line starts here. I like steak and imported draft beers for dinner.

    8pm - I dine on a Mexican dinner. That was my first mistake as I'd find out very soon that my buttcheeks would be very intimate with a toilet for what seemed like an eternity.

    8:45pm - My friend and I finish dinner early so we had time to kill. I show my friend my old high school and parks.

    9pm - We see the entrance is open, so my friend drives the car in and we decide to head to the park to walk off a Mexican dinner.

    http://x3e.xanga.com/8d685523c0c48276260510/m220117216.jpg
    What's for dinner? Liquid dinner.

    9:10pm - Literally ten minutes later, we see a few headlights in the distance. "Oh no...is...IT IS! THEY'RE LOCKING US IN!"

    9:12pm - I make a Usain Bolt sprint to the entrance half a mile away. No luck. They drive away, leaving me cursing at them.

    9:15pm - I inspect the locks and gates, hoping they didn't fully lock it. No matter how stressful and impossible a situation seems, why do people keep repeating the same actions, hoping it would miraculously solve itself? That was me.

    9:17pm - In a panic, I did the only thing I knew in that situation, I Tweeted about it.

    9:25pm - We google some local numbers and park departments, nothing. We decide to call non-emergency axillary police and get an answer machine. REALLY? ANSWER MACHINE? It's like calling the suicide hotline and getting put on a 45 minute hold.

    9:45pm - We see some lights. Is it help? YES! IT'S A COP! We honk the horn to call our savior! And our savior...is driving right past us. F*CK!

    10:05pm - At this point, either my sense of emergency, Hulk anger, lack of sleep, sheer stupidity, or all of the above kicked in and I decide to MacGyver it. I decided to plow through the gates with the car. "I'm an effing genius," I thought. I even tweeted it asking my readers what I should do. A unanimous decision to ram that mofo down with the car. Who says this blog isn't interactive?

    10:25pm - I look around the park and find an orange cone and divider you see on highways and place it at the gate. She revs the engine and I leap out of the way. The A-Team theme music played in my head. SCREEEEEEEEEE-CRUNCH! I turn around, hoping the crunch was the sound of a lock busting open.

    10:26pm - Realize driving through a locked gate only happens successfully in the movies and leaves a mark on on her bumper that looked like a robot punched it. Poor bumper. Time for plan B.

    10:45pm - We give up and decide to call 911. Initially, we refrained from calling because it was a non-emergency situation. But the operator actually told us to call them for these kinds of situations. She tells us help will be there shortly.

    10:50pm - Five minutes later, a cop car shows up and gave us a "What the hell are you doing back there?" from his car. He steps out as I do, and asks, "What the hell are you doing back there?" I tell him the story, he shakes his head. "This is the first time I've seen this." Awesome! I popped his "locked in a park" cherry. I'm sure he'll have an awesome story to tell his cop buddies in the morning.

    http://xe0.xanga.com/b868475677268276260512/b220117218.jpg
    "We got a report of a dumbass? Anyone see it?"
    "Yes, officer...I have."

    11:05pm - Another squad car rolls in. If you're from Long Island, you know the cops here rarely have anything to do, so they come in pairs. Not for me. A freaking caravan of cars came by. Embarrassing much?

    11:15pm - The officer looks at all the gates, checks his options. He calls a bunch of numbers and walks up to me. "I got some bad news, we can't get this gate open. We can't cut it unless it's an emergency." FACK! I look at the other officer, "Can't you just...use your gun and shoot it?" He didn't laugh. Some cops are cold, man.

    http://xc2.xanga.com/d67f7a1138431276260615/b220117314.jpg
    I feel so helpless! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! USSR!

    11:25pm - The officer makes a few more phone calls to different parks and security but has no luck. THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS, MY ARSE!

    11:45pm - So at this point, our only option was to leave the car here overnight and hop the fence. We had nothing else, so I jumped over like a ninja. The officer asks me, "You're walking home? Need a ride?" Oh hell yeah!

    12am - He pops open the back seat and I jump in. I only saw the back of a cop car in movies and the show Cops, so this was surreal. It was like Superbad, and I was McLovin.

    12:05am - I start Tweeting from the back of a cop car. WHATCHUKNOWBOUTDAT?

    http://x5a.xanga.com/fd984321c0c48276260511/b220117217.jpg
    So this is what the back of a cop car looks like. Windows XP? Ew...

    12:06am - It's so funny watching so many pedestrian vehicles slow down all at the sight of a cop. He also has a nice shotgun sitting two inches away from me. I CALL SHOTGUN!

    12:10am - I chat with the officer, take some more dark and blurry pictures of the car with my phone. I tell the officer, "I hope my parents don't see me stepping out of this car!"

    12:15am - The cop car pulls up to my driveway with my dad out front coming home late from work.

    Story of my life.

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