BATMAN SPOILER.

His parents die.

Growing Balls.
Balls in ALL the courts!

Is this it? The end of masculinity as we know it? Or are women equally at fault in the game of dating?

It's the 21st century and gender roles don't exist anymore. For the most part, women can play the role of men. I'm all for women's rights, believe me. But somewhere along the way from  evolving stay-at-home moms to today's female CEOs, one thing hasn't changed: men growing balls.

The old adage of how "a man should make the first move" is, in my opinion, feudal at best. Much like how guys are pushing back against paying for dinners--the argument that this isn't the 1940s, you women have jobs now--women feel us men need to initiate the approach at the bar, at the supermarket, or your friend's wedding.

This needs to stop.

When spotting that attractive dame across the room.

How men think a girl will react upon approaching her.

What is it about having ingrained in the minds of men that they should make the first move? Is it a measure of confidence? How do women define that? It's what every woman lists in their online dating profile.

I wouldn't want to be around a woman who wanted me making all the decisions or who felt inferior to me. That would be pretty creepy (insert new meme "Unassertive Girlfriend"). I would much rather have a woman who could stand up and be my equal than a woman who thinks I should be "in charge."

What usually happens when most men ask a girl out.

Perhaps this is a signal of change. Or my way of speaking on behalf of the men out there who prefer the girl making eye contact across the bar to make the first move. If neither of you act on it, who knows what you'll miss out on.

Interview with the Annoying Jewish Coworker.
Working For Communism.

You'll be glad to know this gif is completely unrelated to the post below but who doesn't love a little racy humor?

If all jobs paid the same, what job would you choose to do given no limit on qualifications?

The Annoying Jewish Coworker answers.

Annoying Jewish Coworker: Depends if they are even hiring
Me: Okay, any job, hypothetically speaking.
Annoying Jewish Coworker: Film
Me: I see. Is there anything el-....
Annoying Jewish Coworker: Animation industry, mogul, diva, player...
Me: Okay, I think I'm late for lunch.

If all jobs paid the same, what job would you choose?

These GIFs Might Actually Make You Sick.
How my world looks after a night of drankin'.

The Dark Knight Rises Giveaway!

Oh, hey there. Whatcha dooooing? Nothing? Did you hear about this little film called The Dark Knight Rises? It’s only the BIGGEST movie of the summer! And now I'm your ticket in! You're welcome.

"Stop wasting our time, Chris, and tell us what we want!" OKAY! I'm giving away 2 FREE tickets for The Dark Knight Rises! The lucky winners will be chosen on July 16th. To enter, simply:

1) Leave a comment (any comment will do, but why you deserve these tickets will get you a gold star!) and
2) Rec this post.

Winners will be chosen randomly and contacted via e-mail. Tickets will be shipped overnight. Tickets can only be claimed if the winner provides a valid complete mailing address within (24-48) hours of the email being sent to them. Travel and accommodations are not included. Open to US residents only.

Good luck!

-Tickets provided by MYX TV.

F*CK YOU.

They grow up so fast.

"Fuck" and "you." Two words you will never hear me say out of anger. I don't cuss. I find cussing unnecessary and fills in for the lack of words and vocabulary.

The only reason you'd ever want to cuss is because it's usually the first foreign words you learn from a friend.

This might seem to be a morally pretentious statement, but swearing only degrades an individual’s character, whether or not he or she actually does have an extensive vocabulary. Though size of vocabulary does not determine one’s ethics or morality, but what one actually says does give a clear picture of what is in “the inside.” Many feel a lesser amount of respect for those they hear throwing “f-bombs” around for fun, so I myself don’t swear.

Then you have these atomic bomb of cusses, "motherfucker" and "son of a bitch." Those are the worst. Leave my mom out of this! I don't homewreck, nor is my mother a bitch.

SPEW OUT ALL THE VULGARITIES!

Once in a while, I'll drop a sugar-coated bomb like "arse," "scumbag," or "douche." But even hearing that out of me is rarer than Lindsay Lohan's leg staying shut for more than three minutes. Saving these vulgarities for the right moment makes them  more impactful. If you hear me cussing, it's because I'm about to knock somebody out MMA style, or I just found out my future ex-wife is cheating on me with the pool boy.

Words have such power, enough to make you cringe. Like "penis." I can't say it without a tint of unease. Imagine my 15 year old face sitting in biology class, when the teacher asks me to read the passage about male reproduction. It was probably something like this:

I simply can't do it. You'd think that being a male who lived in New York his whole life would make me a box filled with obscenities. I dislike hearing these words, though it won't keep us from being friends if you cuss like a sailor, even before you chug that 6-pack of beer. But will I judge you with my judgy, judgmental eyes? Absolutely.

BATTLE ROYALE 2012
With cheese.

This past weekend marked the inauguration of Battle Royale. Friends (and soon to beenemies) were invited to a day of sun, fun, BBQ, picnicking...and DESTROYING YOUR COMPETITION IN THE BATTLEFIELD! Of course, it didn't help that this event occurred on the hottest day of the year. A cool, brisk 105 degrees to be precise. Avoiding spontaneous combustion and heat stroke was half the battle.

Here are photographic highlights of the event and results of this year's Battle Royale.

Helping set up for the event at 9:30 AM. This is 4 hours too early to wake up on a weekend.

Half the people in this photo are hungover. Advantage: ME.

The event organizers drawing names for teams. Four were created.

Sizing up the competition. Some more aggressively than others.

Team 1: The Purple People Eaters. Like them abs, ladies?

Had a bit too much fun drawing on my shirt. Too carried away? NEVER!

Team We Will Pee On You.

Team #3.

One of many events, including a relay race.

GETTING JIGGY WIT IT.

Hula hoops were not meant for dudes!

Diving through.

Passing the ring around.

PUT A RING ON IT!

This escalated quickly...

Keeping cool.

Impromptu dodgeball.

Horseshoe throwing. No horsing around.

The ice cream man made a killing off just me alone. I think I put up a second mortgage.

The winning team: Cute Bitches.

Runners up, team 4: Raging Rapists.

Third place is okay...

The most awesome team takes fourth. We're too cool to even try, really.

Moments before I farted during the group shot.

Results of five hours under the sun. Also how I felt after this event.

Anderson Cooper came out in an email to Andrew Sullivan and was like

Some of the gays were like

Other gays were like

Kathy Griffin was like

Housewives were like

Straight men were like

Ben Smith was like

And the FLOTUS summed it up perfectly

Congrats Cooper. Read the full story here. Via buzzfeed.

Boobtastic Thursday.
Back by popular demand (read: death threat).

WHY ISN'T YOU SEATBELT ON? Oh..

Can't tell if pedobear was here or not...

Yes, I don't know where your bra is either.

We'll excuse the duckface. Just this once.

Nice bench!
Continue reading →

Photoblog: Dining Adventures.
A collection of photos during my gluttonous states within the past few months.

You know it just by the sauce. Famous Halal Guys chicken and rice.

Being that it was 10,000F in NY last week, I grilled in my boxers. Don't judge me. Except the hot girl across the street, how do you like your steak? (I also just noticed if you tilt your head to the right, the steak looks like a seahorse.)


The quickest way into a woman's heart (pants)? Red velvet anything.

The photo does not show justice as to how huge this monstrosity is. Half an ecosystem died for this.

Sundae, sundae, sundae! Be there, be there, be there!

Last week, I grilled a steak during an inferno, dressed in only my boxers. This week, I upped the ante by grilling during a thunderstorm, dressed in just my boxers. Stay tuned for next week, when I grill during an earthquake.

This dude does not look like he's enjoying these cookies at all. Fellow in the back has some pedo stare.

The producers of this candy clearly did not think this through. I've heard of crappy candy, but not quite literally. I think I've amassed enough of these odd food items and Engrish in American supermarkets to create an album.

Father's day dining. Instead of bad ties and terrible mugs, we have food!

Popped this time capsule open last week. I was 12 and Spice Girls was at their peak when this was bottled.

Black truffle pasta with black truffle oil...with fresh black truffles. Once you go black...

Exhibit A: Homemade lox.

Continue reading →

Internet Offline.

This isn't the porn I was looking for.

Dan (@thetheologianscafe) posted an interesting article today on his blog regarding the sudden loss of social networking. This morning, Twitter was down temporarily and a huge outburst of Internet users were lost and rendered useless human beings. If it went down, how would you handle it? For most people, wait it out, like the civilized people you are, right?

But here's a more pressing question that popped up when I read the article: How long could you go without any Internet access?

I've been on vacations that left me without any access to the Internet for a weeks. That was fine, and I didn't miss it at all. However, if I were at home and had a PC sitting in front of me, teasing me with immediate access, the temptation would be too strong. It'd be as if a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs was sitting in front of you after skipping breakfast, lunch, a snack of grapes in between, and dinner. In the end, I'd probably last two weeks before I caved in and browsed for the latest gossip about Lindsay Lohan passing out on cocaine.

Track of the Day: Rec Me Baby.
Song Parody of Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

Last week, I had a little fun with America's current catchiest song by creating parody lyrics for it. Today, we have some fresh vocals performed by fellow Xangan, @thatslifekid who makes the lyrics come to life. Turn the volume up for this and enjoy!

Throwback 90s.
How many of the following do you remember? I feel like a dinosaur.

Continue reading →

Due to popular demand, I'm going to show nude photos of myself!

Hello, ladie's ladies.

Wait, no, this isn't MySpace. Instead, here's 21 Truths and 4 Lies. Time to scratch my ego and let everyone know how awesome I am. Can you guess which 4 are lies?

1. I once was a TV game show host.

2. I started to collect stickers as a hobby when I was 12 and continue to this day.
3. I've never missed a day of high school and would show up even if I had the flu. Take that, everybody else!

4. I'm bisexual and proud of it. Hayyyyy!

5. I'm second cousins with the Kardashians, but my immediate family never acknowledges it because of their embarrassing nature and media scrutiny.
6. I was the face of Nestle Asia for three years where I did magazine ads and commercials for China. People occasionally stop me for a picture whenever I visit Asia.
7. When I worked in IT, I was sent out to assist a client with setting up their computer, which turned out to be Al Pacino's. He still contacts me to this day for IT help.
8. I had my first taste of hard liquor at the age of 2. Burp.
9. I've had access to the internet since 1991, before AOL.
10. I've had research papers done about me. They probably failed given the subject matter.

11. I've gambled with former president Bill Clinton.
12. My IQ according to a battery of tests: 129.
13. I've never verbally said the word "f*ck" intentionally in all my life. Semi-thug life!

14. I boinked a Victoria Secret model and it was fannntastic.
15. As a troublemaker in my youth, I went to detention numerous times, suspended three times, and been arrested...all in one year.
16. I still hold my high school's record for most push-ups. Just don't ask me to try it again today.

17. I participated in my first competitive video game event when I was 10.

18. I've slept with YouTube sensation and Xangan, Ricebunny aka Michelle Phan.
19. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. Because smokers are for jokers!

20. I prefer a live classical orchestra than attend a rock or hip-hop concert any day.
21. I believe in platonic relationships. I've been single all my life and enjoy it.
22. In person, I'm reserved and observant of people.
23. I worked for Xanga in the past.

24. I enjoy traveling a lot. I've traveled to China for two months at the age of 15 by myself.
25. Despite being financially stable, I've worked three jobs at the same time one point in my life. Errday I'm hustlin'!

I tag: Anyone reading this. But I'm especially curious about ASSCAT members @FlipGuy31O @SonyChak @Junbelievable08 @Roadlesstaken @Timmmmmmy.

Why I Hate Dubstep.

Dubstep has become extremely popular the past few years thanks to Skrillex and many other dubstep artists. I first heard this type of music on my 56K modem back in 2001 and don't miss it at all. Here's why: